I just want to fade away.

Do you ever just want to fade away? Have no one think of you or what you’ve done, and not deal with the shit you’ve made. I do not know where this all began I’m really only a 14 year old girl. Do you ever feel like you are being watched all the time? Like they are watching you and laughing at you and being hurt by you, and judging you all the time? Well I do. It’s this constant feeling of judgement, I feel. And the pressure is literally beginning to kill me. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel like everything I do is for other people, to make them happy. I pay so little to what I think, or what my values are, or who i am to protect everyone else. But no one ever appreciates me for that; I’m always the one called out; always the sad one after it all; always the weak one; always that vulnerable shit.

So I guess the easiest way to explain myself is by telling my story. Which honestly, I dont know what it is but yeah. Also I am just a shit for even doing this. So I go to one of the best schools in the country. I am in the 99th-100th percentile for standardized testing. I swim about 8-10 times a week competitively on two teams. I have finally gotten better at it but I am never confident enough at swimming to actually do well. I just think its something I will never be the best at. I used to get perfect a’s and a+’s but I guess thats different now with all this shit. Multiple people have told me I’m one of the hottest/prettiest girls in my school. But I have always had body image problems. I have starved myself, cut myself because I was frustrated with something about the way I looked. I have compulsively exercised, done everything I could to get skinny, better, prettier. At some points I feel thats all that matters to me. I am not tall, but I am not short. I wear a size 24 and I am about 120 pounds. Sometimes if a 24 in some pants or something doesnt fit, I force myself into it, or make myself not eat until I can wear it. Not to mention I have unique blue eyes, golden hair, and a few freckles. I also have a 34d cup size, which believe it or not, has become a problem for me rather than an advantage. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think wow, I look good. But then I compare myself to everyone and think about what everyone thinks or me and just conclude that I am fat and ugly again. It always loops around to that. The problem is yes, somehow guys think I’m hot a lot. But they dont think of me as a real person. I have no personality, I’m just some hot fucking ***** to them. And thats what I am to me too. I mean not pretty or hot, but a *****. I feel like my personality to most guys is something that doesnt matter or exist. And neither do my feelings. All I am ever doing is trying to make everyone else happy. I think about how they would feel, I am understanding. I am in a group of 5 girls in my grade. I guess we are considered the popular bitchy girls in our grade and in our school. We are called the crew by many people. And while I love all of my girls, I feel like most of the time I am left out and unappreciated by them. They are also the types of people to go straight to confrontation and are comfortable killing people for small things. I am not comfortable, confident, or strong enough to do that. And I am made fun of for it. Yet EVERYONE IN THE WORLD thinks I’m evil. So with my “crew”. I love them so much but sometimes it gets really hard. We are all really different but I feel particularly separated. For one thing they are all strong girls who arent scared of confrontation or killing people about small things. But I’m just not like that. I guess sometimes it seems like I am, atleast from the outside. It’s always them taking my phone, or telling me what to say and I always feel bad about it in the end. Those are the troubles of being in a group like that. Especially when you have/ had other friends. I guess I am not comfortable or confident enough to point out other peoples shortcomings. This leads to the intense anxiety I have that people will abandon me or hate me forever. That fear is a large part of my depression.

I am that kid in highschool, with the evil parents. The ones that don’t let me have sleepovers ever, or stay out past 9. Or go out twice in one weekend. There’s no way to negotiate with them. I will never be cool or free because of them. In many ways this effects my personality. I always find myself explaining myself more than I should be to them. Ever since I was little, I was a good kid. I  didnt run around, I never disobeyed them or anything. Do you not what I got in return? They have never trusted me, even when I was not lying to them. I have been hit, yelled at, locked in, kicked out, and I’m so done. This is how I started lying to them. I figured if they didnt trust me when I wasn’t lying why does it even matter whether I’m lying or not. I have started drinking and smoking with other kids my age and I guess being kinda reckless. I’m not a bad kid. I think. Isn’t this normal in highschool? And I’m not that bad with stuff anyways.

So where did all this end up? So I am depressed 14 year old. Who can’t get out of this cycle. I feel that I cannot trust anyone and everytime I open up it ends up bad. Whenever I try to make someone feel good I end up being the evil one, and then continue to be the weak one in every situation. I have been cutting myself continually for almost a year now. The longest I have gone without it is only about a month and a half, once. I can’t out of these patterns and cycles. I am addicted to the sadness. All I want to do is disappear and fade away from it all. I want to be invisible… i already am.