I SURVIVED, YOU MAY END UP WORSE THAN HOW YOU FEEL NOW.

I wrote this in response to someone who just posted, and thought I’d share it with whoever needs to see it right now.

I have lived with Chronic illness and Pain for most of my life. I’ve been suicidal many times, have attemped many times, and am today…choosing to live for today. That’s all I can do.

If you’re thinking you can kill yourself, please read this first.

I lived through taking enough narcotics (over 100) and alcohol. I woke up in a psych hospital a week later. Apparently I was found too late to do anything for me other than see if I woke up. I don’t know why I survived. But it was the WORST experience in my entire life. Want to know what feels worse than feeling suicidal? That does. My brain was firing off electrical shocks. I became psychotic. I punched a nurse in the face with my fist. I have NEVER in my life harmed another human or animal. I didn’t even spank my children. So my point is, i was completely nuts from the overdose.

No one knew where I was, and when I finally became coherent enough to tell them my dr’s name, they called him and he told them I wasn’t mentlly ill or violent, I was apparently momentarily insane from the overdose. The overdose also, after I got home, caused my brain to be hyper-vigialant. and I didn’t, couldn’t, sleep for 5 days. Which is also a horrible feeling.

My Dr said I was lucky to not be permanently brain damaged.

So my point is….no matter how you try to kill yourself, there is a good chance you will only make your life more of a living hell than it is right now.

Believe me, I’ve researched ALL the ways of killing yourself and I’ve found many stories where you end up alive and 100 times worse than you started.

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY how you feel. I have felt that way many many times. This last time…only a few days ago, I just “decided”, CHOSE, to keep breathing for another hour. Then another day, now another week.

I am completely alone in my life now. I have no family and no friends left. They couldn’t take my wanting to die all the time. But I have my dog. And I CHOSE to live for him. I adopted him from a shelter and promised to make his life better, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer because I can’t handle living.

There is a part of a poem I like that is referring to RESILIENCE.

More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another…

There is a website called  Livingwithcfs.com that has some articles on resilience…..that is what I’m trying to use to realize life is better than death. I also don’t want to hurt my Grandchildren, who I never get to see, by having them think I gave up and didn’t love them enough to live.

I hope this helps a little, it will help me if it does. i need a reson to keep going, my friend.