I was told by so many different people that I should kill myself. I’ve been told it since I was little. My dad, kids at school, my friend’s mom, people online I tried to open up to. I’ve been told indirectly that because I’m gay I should kill myself and burn in hell. I’ve been told that everyone hates me. People accuse me of lying for attention when I reveal that I was raped when I was six. I’m an idiot. I always say and do things to make people annoyed with me and hate me. I know they’d all be happier if they didn’t know me. I wish I was someone else or just never existed. I’m so stupid. I have had feelings for the same boy since 2008 who will never want to be with me. I’m such a joke. No one will ever want to be with me. I’m disgusting and unhappy. I hate sex. Whenever I have an orgasm it sends shooting pains up and down my legs and arms. My psychiatrist told me that’s common for people who were abused as a child. I don’t know. I hate it. I masturbate to feel the pain. Cutting and burning and biting started to feel good. Why do sexual things hurt yet bleeding feel pleasant? What is wrong with me? Sometimes I freak out and my mind goes elsewhere and when I come back I have scratches up and down my arms that I don’t remember doing. I’m worthless. I always have been. I’ve been trying to kill myself since I was six. Obviously I didn’t know how to, now that I’m seventeen. I’ve been hospitalized twice for it. That place was a hell hole. People who worked there told me to just get over it and stop mooching off of the hospital for food and shelter. I wish I would just die unexpectedly. I hate myself. I’m ugly and stupid and horrible and selfish. People won’t miss me.
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No matter what, you don’t deserve to die. No one does. Abuse IS hard to deal with. I know that for a fact. But whoever decides to abuse someone must be seriously out of there mind. SO what if your gay? I had a best friend that was gay and to him, he didn’t care. You are NOT ugly, stupid, horrible or selfish. You may not be perfect, but guess what? Perfect sucks. Live life and ignore all the people you hate. They’re just doing this to you because they have nothing better to do. Which is stupid. SO please please please please don’t give up on life. You will only be hurting people around you even if you don’t see it.
I am so sorry you have been speaking to the wrong people. There is nothing Wron with being gay. I live in a city where half my colleagues are gay. There are places where you will be accepted. You are not a terrible person, you’ve just been taken advantage of. Not your fault.
there are always people who would miss you…
“I was told by so many different people that I should kill myself. I’ve been told it since I was little.” When I read that, it rang alarm bells. And what followed it was déjà vu. The things you describe (saying/doing things deliberately to annoy people and to engender hatred towards you, self loathing, masochism, cutting yourself, masturbating simply to feel pain, biting, missing time/blackouts, etc.) point to a spiritual rather than a physical/mental/emotional problem. People here are sure to disagree (and may even mock me), but I’m more concerned with sharing with you what I’ve found to be true. …And that is that we are not just soulless lumps of meat — there is a spiritual dimension to reality. And unfortunately some people are like a magnet for the dark side of this realm, generally because of childhood trauma, substance abuse, or involvement with the occult.The good news, however, is that there are people who have been through the same grim stuff that you have (childhood rejection and molestation) and have had just the same screwed-up life (including fruitless stints with psychiatrists and other ‘experts’), yet who are now free of this junk. The question is, just how desperate are you? Are you desperate enough to try anything?