I’m my own worst enemy

Honestly, if I had to say who I hated the most, I’d say myself. I’m such a mess. and I don’t think I’m worth the life that I’ve been given. If I had to say who bullied me, again, same as above. I just feel so worthless and that I don’t deserve anything. I hate everything about me. my face, my body, my smile, I just nit-pick at myself until I feel like crying and it’s exhausting. but I can’t stop. it’s a vicious little cycle that my mind has grown attached too.

Like, for example, I don’t think I’m pretty, at all. far from it, actually. but everyone I know, thinks I’m pretty and that I’m going places with how I look, etc. blah blah blah. but that’s not how I feel, I look at myself and I don’t like what I see. I see failure, I see sadness, I see pain. I see nothing.

Another example. well. I push people away, alot. because of my abundant self-hate towards myself, when people tend to love me, I start pushing them away, unconsciously, unaware I’m even doing it until it’s too late. I stop caring what they think, I feel awkward whenever I’m with them. I show no interest in them whatsoever. long story short, I’m a *****.

I never believe anything anybody says to me, or about me. I always think to myself “their lying” I don’t trust them.

I think I just stopped caring what other people think because of my friend K. me and him have- whoops, HAD been friends for about a good 10 years. we knew everything about each other. we were brother and sister. for the longest time, he was the only one who could make me laugh when I was about to cry.

I don’t know what happened. or maybe I do. but we just stopped talking. just completely abrupt. and it was through text of course. I hadn’t realized it then, but I realize it now. it was my fault. I was too obsessed with my own problems that I over-looked his and only cared about me, me me. And of course what other problem could it have been other than a boy. I know, totally cliched and unoriginal.

me being me, I was completely insecure and scared, doubting that the boy named A liked me. there were signs. but even to this day I don’t know, and I probably won’t ever know. I’m a chickenshit. anyways. so I was texting K and asking him about my boy problems, and he said something really asshole-ish and I didn’t like that, so I called him out on it. and we started arguing through text. and then I wrote “Shut the fuck up. How are we friends?” expecting some kind of dick remark. instead I didn’t get one.

so at lunch time that day, I was heading down to my locker, I was pretty emotional not gonna lie, and my friend L said “Hi” to me, when I didn’t say anything she was about to walk away, but I grabbed her, hugged her and started bawling my eyes out on her shoulder, and when I say crying, I mean like wailing, full on sobbing in the middle of the hallway, where about 30 people were in the hall, looking at me. Oh and did I forget to mention that I started cutting a day after that?

even writing all of this down now, I have no emotion about it. I think over the past two months basically, my emotions have slowly decreased until I have nothing left. I fake everything now. I’m slowly drifting away from my other friends too.

I’m basically waiting until the right time to commit suicide. when I’ve finally had enough. I’ve pushed so many people away, now that I think about it. so many people.

I’m a horrible human being.