I’m tired of everything, and I’m sick of being me.

I’m almost 22, but I feel old. People have said that I am an old soul, but I think that’s just because I’ve had too much alone time to think. I’ve been mistrustful of people since I was a kiddo, and since then I have become isolated and friendless. My two younger brothers are going through their own psychological trials and keep to themselves. My older sister was like a beast when we were little, and I can’t even bring myself to express how much I resent the ways she manipulated and hurt me. I hardly talk to her. My mom is emotionally distant, due to a traumatic upbringing and abusive husband, plus all the shit my sister put us through – I love my mom dearly. But I don’t really have anyone I feel safe talking to… about my feeling worthless and stupid. I don’t want to push my problems onto anyone else, least of all my mom who’s been through so much. I couldn’t even deal with school because the ignorance of everyone around me made me want to implode. No one ever helped me with my homework, not a teacher, counselor, my mom, or a friend, so I never did it. I failed almost every class, not because I didn’t get the material, but because I had zero attention span. I couldn’t even read through the directions in one sitting! So, I flunked out. Now, I live alone with my kitties, avoiding eye contact with every person I meet, never having more than a few-sentence-long conversation with anyone because people make me so damn nervous that my words turn to shit in my mouth. I’ve given up on really relating to other people, because I can’t DO it. Everyone thinks I’m weird, and I feel like an alien! An antisocial giggling dumbwad with nothing interesting to say. I have no direction in life, and I don’t really care. I don’t want to kill myself, but there’s no reaso n for me to live. My existence is meaningless. And I just had the worst, stupidest day EVER! There was some conference in a spiffy office building, and the cafe I work for arranged for us to set up a stand in the lobby. So, for 10 hours, I was made to do essentially NOTHING. There was hardly a lick of buisiness, and an employee from a different branch of the cafe left me there to go and chat with our boss and some other company employees. I didn’t have the guts to say, “Aren’t we both supposed to be working?” and call her on her complete lack of ethics. Everything she said to me was either a sarcasctic comment or– oh, wait, that’s all. I just sat there silently playing Uno on my phone, ready to help a customer if one decided to grace us with his or her patronage. Ten fricking hours! I was literally exhausted when I got home, shaking and nauseous from pent-up emotions and dehydration – I didn’t drink much water at all and let myself get dehydrated from coffee. Stupid habits. On the average day in the cafe, I’m cheerful and bubbly, and everyone comments, “Wow, you’re always so happy!” I’m not. That’s just how we’re supposed to act. And it’s a convenient cover so that I don’t burden anyone with all of my problems. Sorry, I know I’m jabbering on and on, but I got home today and just cried. It was a kind of hollow feeling, knowing that no one knows me, and no one really tries to. They’re just content to keep a distance and ignore signs that I’m depressed. But, that makes sense because of how fake I must seem. I’m believing more and more that I have no personality and that no one would ever want to be my friend. Why would they? Anyway… if anyone read all the way through my run-on sentence-like paragraph of a complaint, thank you. It makes me kind of happy if anyone would care enough to do that, even though you don’t know me. Thank you.