Today I got yelled at for forgetting to take something out of the wash. Yesterday I got yelled at for the failing grade I have in math. The yelling is always about me or towards me. That’s the only thing that’s me. Yet it’s not me, I don’t get to voice my opinion, because it’s always turned around. When I voice my opinion, she turns it and makes it seem like she’s always the victim. I’m sorry but I’m the one who’s always bing put down. I’m the one who hears every day how I do everything wrong. There are so many rules in this goddamned house and majority of them only hit me. “no burning candles” “don’t paint your nails inside” “don’t wear your shoes in the house” “don’t disrespect us”. Yeah obviously the last one should hit everyone, but not so surprisingly I’m the one it’s aimed at. They see things the way they want to, they take aim at me because I’m not strong enough to defend myself…or so they think. Truthfully I don’t defend myself because when I do, they make me seem worse.
Nobody understands how hard it is for me to deal with everything I’m going through day in and day out. Her excuse for everything is “you’ll only understand when you become a mother” and don’t get me started on her waste of space bf, he’s the one who treats me as if I’m some devil child who deserves to rot in hell.
I have so much on my plate that I can’t keep it balanced, and they don’t see how hard I try to keep myself up. She cries nonstop about how she wants to kill herself and I don’t say anything because I know it’s an empty threat, she’s just saying it to get attention. Well I’m tired of her making herself seem worse off than anyone else.
I have to study so much harder then most just so I can almost fail a math test.
I have to hope on my life that I get accepted to college.
I have to keep all my grades up so the colleges will consider accepting me.
I have to struggle with anxiety.
I have take a pill so I can fall asleep.
I have to deal with the stress of all that, and
I have to get a job.
I have to learn how to drive.
I have to tell myself I’m worth it every time I want to pull out a blade.
I have to be my mother, my father, and my best friend.
Where is the fairness in this? I have so much piled on top of me I don’t know how I’ll get through even half alive.
I’m getting sick. I can close my eyes to envision some sort of paradise, but all I see is blood. And I know it’s mine.
They want me on the streets. They want me gone so their lives could b 100 times better. Because I’m the root of all of their issues.
4 comments
When everyone is under pressure and being stretched to the limit, sometimes they take it out on the person nearest to them. They don’t mean to and it’s not your fault.
Are you a teen? If I’m right, then I understand you. I know how hard can be deal with the studies, your family’s ideas about how you have to be, the stress, the imminent future, the changes in your mind, everything. So hard, because having balance all that is impossible. I think they don’t want you out of their lives, they love you, but they deal with your problems too. They have to be there, supporting (even if doesn’t look like they were doing it) while all you want to do is send them to hell. Just struggle thinking this “If a thousand of people could do this, I can do it too”.
It sounds to me that she isn’t necessarily accurate, but she’s just better at making her point and controlling the conversation.
Sit down and write out every topic you wish to cover with her. Keep it simple. Main topics that need to be discussed a.s.a.p. Don’t worry about details, they will come out naturally, once the conversation begins. Be ready for her rebuttals. You’ve had enough conversations with her to know how she’ll react and the tactics she’ll use to “turn the conversation, in her favor”. Be ready and have answers or replies to her rebuttals. Nothing specific or “word by word”, just the plan the idea or concept you wish to convey in order to counteract her attempt to take charge of the conversation. After you’ve cut off her tactics, immediately return to your points of interest, making it impossible for her to continue. Tell her you’ll allow her to “voice her opinion” when you’re done. Let her do so, after you’ve said what you need to say. Listen attentively and try to find “common ground” that you both can be happy to live with. Whether or not you can come to an agreement, make your closing argument (make sure to recap any compromises to make sure you’re both “on the same page” and let her know what you expect in the future and what you’re prepared to offer). Let her make her closing argument, if she has one and thank her for her time and consideration. If she says she needs time to consider any of the points of interest, make sure you set a future time and place to discuss it. You don’t have to make it sound like a courtroom, but the formats used in a courtroom, DO allow both sides to be heard and is a clear model to use, when trying to determine the best course of action for particular subjects.
Remember to remain calm and show respect. It may not be deserved, but trust me, your calm demeanor will let her know you are of sound mind and have thought out your reasons and you are there to determine a fair course of action for the both of you. She may react a little more hostile than usual. This probably means that she’s intimidated by your ability to control the argument.
Quite frankly my family isn’t too wonderful at doing the best for me either. I wish there was a good alternative to living with them but sometimes there isn’t. I know that all too well. I just want to live far away, away from everyone I know.