My best friend.

Hello to whoever is reading this. My name is Brooke and I am 19 years old. This is my very first blog in my life, not quite sure what I am doing. I wanted to start just because I am going through a rough time right now in my life and I want people to hear my story.

I want to talk to everyone about suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15-24 year olds. Nearly 30,000 Americans take their own lives every year. An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. Crazy right? What causes people do do this? It is a question that will always be unanswered. Something we will never understand. Depression plays the biggest part in suicide along with drugs. I know this because my best friend hung herself two weeks ago, 10/03/12, Courtney<3. A part of my heart is now missing, she is so greatly missed. I can not describe the feelings that go through me all the time. There are so many questions I don’t have an answer for. Everyone asks me “Why would she do this?” My answer from all I know is that she had a lot going on in her life, between her parents, her boyfriend, where she was living, and just all the stresses in life. I also get asked all the time “Well what was so possibly bad?” All I can say is you don’t understand. No one can judge unless they have hit rock bottom and know exactly what kind of feelings she felt. It is the worst pain anyone can feel. When someone commits suicide it puts the family, friends and everyone in the same position you were in. Its not worth it.

I think it is so crazy how close you can be to someone but you have no idea what kind of thoughts are going their head. Courtney was such a bubbly, outgoing, crazy girl. No one would have ever guessed she was so depressed. I new things were bad with her. She tried committing suicide a couple weeks ago but luckily they caught her in time. She was then put into the psych ward and was on suicide watch, they let her go because she wasn’t a “threat” to herself or to anyone else. HELLO, she just tried killing herself! Thats obviously a cry for help. At the time if I would have known what was going on I would have asked her to see a counsler. We hung out like a week after she tried doing that, it was a Friday. September 28th to be exact, last time I saw her. It was our high school homecoming football game and we decided to go to that. I went to pick her up at her dads and we were just hanging out in her room that they put together for her in the basement. She looked so different to me, just so sad. I didnt think anything of it. So we are talking and then she tells me about her attempt, I start crying and I hugged her and the only thing she said to me was “Dude its fine, i’m still here”. She vents to me about everything going on in her life and she seemed to be doing better. We went for a little drive and then went to the game and pigged out on snacks and ran into old friends we haven’t seen in a while. After the game we drove around for about an hour just talking about our lives. Dropped her off and went home.

Sunday and Monday we were talking and she kept nagging to hang out, I worked both days I was tired and didn’t wanna do anything. I pushed her off.. maybe I was what she needed.. maybe if I was there she would still be here. But that is no way to think.Tuesday afternoon her boyfriend posted something really mean on facebook “I have the biggest piece of shit girlfriend, so glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore” a couple hours later they found her in her dads basement. At first I thought her boyfriend was what pushed her over the edge..so I was mad at him. Then I realized there is no one to blame, and I can’t be the one to say what caused it. The last thing I ever said to her was “what”. I read what her boyfriend put and I texted her saying “whats with Andrews status” she replied with “who liked it” and I said “what”. Most pointless conversation I think we have ever had.

Tuesday night I get a phone call around 10:15 p.m. One of my good friends called me and said “Wheres Courtney” my heart dropped, I new something wasn’t right. I called her phone and her dad’s girlfriend answer and she was crying. I met the ambulance a couple miles away from my house, I just new she wasn’t alive. I get a phone call about 10:45 p.m. saying she hung herself. I was speechless. They ended up sending her to ICU, they revived her and she had a very weak pulse. Waiting..waiting and waiting for hours, I get another call around 3 a.m, she has no brain activity. By now i’m in shock and don’t know what to feel. They had her on life support, that was the only thing keeping her alive. They unhooked her Wednesday night. A part of me left with her.

Sunday night they had a prayer service and Monday was the funeral. Worst two days in my entire life. She had an open casket and when I went up to see her I was waiting for a just kidding and for her to pop up. I wish someone would have told me if you are not ready to see her dont’ go up there. I competely lost it. At the funeral, there was so so so many people there. So much support for her family. I did fine until they wheeleed her out of the church, I could barely breath. I have never cried like that. The burial I could not make myself go up and say goodbye. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to believe my best friend was going 6 feet under the ground.

She was only 20 years old, she was so full of life. I don’t really know what went wrong and that is something only God will know. Some of my best memories are with her. I hope she died knowing people did love her and I hope people will remember her the way I will and not just some girl who hung herself. I love her so much. It has made such an impact on my life, and I would never want someone to go through something like this. It is so hard getting out of bed in the morning and putting on a smile when all I really want to do is cry and sleep. I know one day it will get easier, I know one day it won’t hurt like hell. But I can’t wait for that day. I wish I would have said more I love you’s and been there more than I was. Maybe I could have saved her. I miss her so very much, there isn’t a second during the day that she doesn’t cross my mind.