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My last days, or the start of a new adventure.

by Karma44

If you have read my last posts you know how I got here…

Yesterday I lost my new job. The job was not for me, but it was a job. I have been so morbidly depressed over the loss the new life I had found, the loss of my home, and the loss of my things, being trapped living in a hotel room, I tried to work at this new job. It was not a fit for me. Under normal conditions I would have made it work, but I simply could not. I literally tried to hide my tears back throughout the day.

I cannot stop thinking about what my life just was and what it should be. How good it was.

Now I am off to a new city in the morning. I am driving 1400 miles to start over, again.

I have limited capitol, no medication, so source of counseling. I will be without a net.

This is sink or swim.

I hope I did not see my mom tonight for the last time. I have told them I have been suicidal but I don’t think they really understand that I have really been this way for 3 months.

My dog is sick. I must get her to a vet asap even tho I cannot afford it.

Leaving in the morning. To my death, to a new life?

I am scared. Really scared. Fear of death has kept me alive. Now we will see which I fear less,.. death, surviving, or homelessness.

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4 comments

Iwillbehere 10/11/2012 - 2:35 am

If you believe you can make it, if you have a bit of hope, if you have a small light…use it. It’s better than nothing. What I’m trying to say is find a small amount of hope and everything should work out.

ChildOfAbadon 10/11/2012 - 3:05 am

I was living in Pittsburgh some time back, working 2 jobs, and going to school full time, pouring money into a raging alcoholic of a roommate, and I never had a clue where my next meal would come from.

I never felt more alive in my life.

There’s something about letting your survival instinct kick in, and riding the rush… I wouldn’t want to live that way forever, but it was a refreshing perspective.

You can do it.

traptsoul 10/11/2012 - 6:34 am

i dont know u ,but fear is wat drives us to new extremes and u can make it work u seem like a fighter in a world of battles and that good. For me to keep going ,i somteimes thing of those living in countries of war children who are born without limbs etc and it helps me keep fighting ,if they can why cant i u no but thats just my apporach may be u can try it, if it will help.

jack86 10/13/2012 - 6:59 pm

Good luck, brotha! Just push forward and kick some ass!

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