So two weeks ago I almost decided to go through with ending it all. I was in the tub, hot water and all. Instruments neatly set up on the side. Box cutter, scalpel, syringe, needles plenty of options to choose from. At that point I had used all of them to inflict harm upon my body knowing it would not result in my death but instead give me some relief from the hell of my life. Upon deciding which one to choose that would do the job right I remembered I never had the opportunity to use the syringe. It was sterilized considering I stole it from a hospital and was prepackaged and what not. I sanitized a part on my inner thigh and slowly eased the needle in. There was a bit of pressure and than the release upon drawing my own blood out of my body. The dark red liquid quickly filled the body of the needle and my interest spiked. There was a bit of a sting when I exited the needle from my body but that was part of the ride. I than proceeded to allow the blood out of the capsule of the needle into the water and watched both water and blood mix into the hot bath water. The blood ran down my leg and engulfed me. The smell of metal consumed the steamy bathroom. And so I did it again. I detracted another vial of my own blood from my body. And repeated the ritual. Now two weeks later the enormous bruise on my inner thigh has not faded. I don’t know why. It doesn’t really bother me either.
I lost the urge to care about anything anymore. I don’t even care about committing suicide. I have “passive suicidal idealizations” my doctor tells me. And she wants to commit me. Fuck her and fuck that. I know I have issues but work with me instead of trying to commit me.
I don’t know I think I finally lost hope.
My other doctor wants me to reattach my emotions to my past. I can’t do it. It’s too much. I detached any form of emotions with the abuse I endured. The physical, mental, emotional, and sexual. I just can’t. I don’t think I’ll survive if I do. I lack that kind of support. I want to but I feel like it will ultimately be my demise.
But than again isn’t that what I want?