Damn. I thought I was getting back to recovery but after today I really want to kill myself. My mum says she doesn’t want me as a daughter, although to be quite honest I am used to that, she says it everyday. And then my fucking sister decides to join in and tell me how much of a messed up fucking brat I am. Well I’m sorry. I’m selfish, mean, harsh, not pretty at all and a fucking mess up accident. Why does this happen… Then she started talking about my friends and how one of my friends is the reason I’m messed up. They went on and on about how much shit they knew even though they know nothing. I just was at my limit and yelled. I said that I never talk to them anyway so who gives a fucking shit? I only talk to randoms online and gamers who are also fucking messed up. She didn’t give a shit anyway. I hate my sister so much and my fucking mother. Well if you heard my story, it’s pretty damn obvious how much I hate her. I want to kill myself and haunt them forever. This morning I cut again and it went worse and worse from there. UGH why do I even TRY…
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4 comments
There’s a lot more behind this post than what is given in this one. You have been pushed to this point somehow, the point of hating and self destruction. I hear lots of anger. Where does it come from?
Hey, you’re not alone.
I thought I was the only one who wanted to haunt my family.
I know what this is like, it really sucks.
I’ve been through living with bad parents, and somehow managed to turn out alive up to now at least. Environment is everything. If you are in a place with people who are supposed to care for and support and teach you, but they cannot do anything but psychologically or physically abuse you, you need to get out to a safe, nurturing environment to live as soon as you can. Or at least one with less confrontation and stress.
Alot of people grow up like you or me – told we were bad by the ones who are supposed to love us. So such people grow old, have kids and start the cycle again. Some of these parents can be reached and turned around. I managed to get my mum thinking very differently about life but my dad is still solidly set in his ways. Unfortunately this happened after I’d already left home.
If you are young, you need to have a serious talk with your folks and tell them exactly where you stand, without being insulting to them. Only speak from what you feel and know and don’t accuse them of anything. If they try to accuse you of anything, try to matador your away around the negative emotion (like the bull fighter steps aside with his cape in hand as the bull storms towards him), but don’t engage them on that level. That level is low-level, ‘unthinking’ talk. It is basically unconscious control talk, based on their stereotypical view of you, not the complete view of who you really are. Try to get everyone on the same adult level, not just a parent-child conversation if you get what I mean…
And after a while if they still aren’t making any effort at all to help you instead of antagonize you, get out as soon as your old enough… and once you’re out, pursue what you dream of doing. It might be hard not to get bogged down in everyday life, hanging with friends who are probably bad for you, taking up bad habits and finding love in the wrong places etc, but you gotta focus on what you want out of life. Unfortunately part of human nature is that people want you to just be at their level and don’t want to you get your dreams, so you gotta become independent, emotionally smart and get to really know yourself. Then the crap they throw at you won’t stick anymore.
Also maybe get some kind of counseling when you feel comfortable with the idea (if you find a counselor you click with, you’ll be very happy you talked to someone) and try stay on a path which doesn’t lead to self-improvement instead of self-destruction.