Selfish?

I know how you feel. I’ve been trying to figure out when exactly I started feeling so worthless because I realize that’s been my problem for many years now. I know I was bullied in school. For a while now, when I think about it, I’ve told myself that it wasn’t THAT bad, I don’t think I ever totally dreaded going to school in the morning or anything. But now that I’ve thought about it more, I think there were a few years where it was pretty bad. There were other kids who got it worse than me, but I dealt with my share of it.

When you’re growing up and people treat you like that I think it has a very strong affect, especially if you don’t have the mental tools to ignore that type of stuff. So from a very early age you start wondering why you get picked on, what’s different about you, what’s “wrong” with you that people choose you out of a crowd as someone to pick on.

I don’t know how to get over it either. You’re right, once you start to believe it, it seems impossible to change. People tell me to try talking to someone or medication, but this isn’t just some little issue that a pill will take away. It is such a large part of the core of my personality. Very deep down, I am always negative, I’m a pessimist about life, I hate a lot of things about myself, going to therapy or taking a pill is not going to change that.

A lot of people on this site are miserable because of external things influencing them. Other people. Other situations. But it is terrible going through life when your least favorite place to be is in your own mind. It’s bad enough if someone treats you badly, but it’s even worse when you feel badly about yourself. You’re never safe. I don’t have friends, I don’t have a job, to try to stay away from the world and be left alone. But even behind these locked doors I am not safe, because I do not like me either.