I don’t think I can do this anymore. I thought this would be a fresh start but the same things hit me over and over again. I’m on medication but it doesn’t seem to help and I’m broke, so broke I can’t afford to continue. I can’t focus or concentrate on what needs to get done. Right now, that’s my assignments. My lecturers have extended deadlines but I still can’t go through the hurdles.
My friends are frustrated with me. They just want me to get the work over and done with. But I can’t. I don’t understand the things I read anymore and soon I will lose the ability to write. Is this what Alzheimer’s is like?
I want to just jump. I live on the 21st floor and if I just cross the boundary it will be over. But my friend, S, reminded me that suicide doesn’t just affect me. It affects everyone else too. My dad, my mum, my brothers, maybe even my stepmum and of course my friends.
I’m so tired. I thought moving to another country will solve things but it didn’t. I don’t even know what’s wrong exactly.
It’s 11.42 in the morning, I had lunch, I smiled at the cute guy when I was walking out of 7-11 and I felt happy. But that happiness is fleeting. Faced with this assignment again, the barrage of worries and you’re-not-good-enoughs start up again.
I’ve got 9 bucks to my name, I can’t go visit the psych and tell him what’s up. It’s 90 bucks and a further 400 for the meds. I don’t want to ask dad for further money, I’m already such a burden maybe I should just jump.
But I can’t. I’m tired, I’m stuck, nothing is going right. I’m tired of pretending to be strong. I’m tired of being superwoman. I’m tired of the appearance of having it all together. I’m not brilliant, I’m not intelligent, I’m not beautiful, I’m not sociable. I’m not the person people look up to. I’m broken and I can’t find the pieces to put me back together again.
I’m lost and I can’t find that road to salvation. I don’t believe in any god. I’m alone. Oh I should die.
But I can’t and I won’t. I can’t leave just like this.
I’m tired, I’m so so tired.
3 comments
i hear you…
I guess that, over time, I’ve become less and less impressed with the claim that we shouldn’t kill ourselves because of the effect it will have on other people.
When I was growing up, my parents would frequently tell me about how you can’t have the privileges of something and not assume the responsibilities for it as well. Like owning a pet. If you want the privileges of having that pet around when you want it, you must take responsibility for it, even when you don’t want to.
Bottom line: people dying on you is just one of the prices you pay for being alive. If the benefits of life are no longer worth having to occasionally have people you love die on you, you have the same way out they did. Brutal? Yes. But that doesn’t make it any less true. Someone who tries to guilt you in to staying for their sake is trying to have their cake and eat it too. And if it’s a third party, ask yourself this: do you really believe that they are suddenly overcome with sympathy for the person they say will be so traumatized, or are they really telling you that THEY will be hurt if you go?
By all means, search for a reason to live. But you can’t sustain yourself on mere desire to not hurt others.
you hit the nail on the head…