To My Guardian Angel

Dear Shekiera,

I words can’t possibly express how much I miss you, everyday I think about you, sometimes with a smile on my face and other times with tears. I remember the first time I met you, you were grade one and I was in grade two. we were both shy, socially awkward and got along great because we didn’t have to say alot to have a good time. back in grade two I can’t remember exactly what we would talk about, but I remember that we used to walk around and talk about “what if’s” and “when I’m older I’m going to’s”. You see, Shekiera, in grade two, you were my anchor, you were my only friend besides my cousins, and that was special for me. I was bullied at my last school, and when I moved to your school and I met you, I was so relieved that I made a friend. I told my parents about you alot, I was so proud to call you my friend.

I remember one day we were playing on a big toy in the playground, and I was on the monkey bars hanging upside down and you told me to watch you and catch you if you fell. I said I promise I would. but I wasn’t paying attention and you fell. you fell on those sharp rocks. I felt so bad, I picked you up and you weren’t crying, or I can’t recall if you were, your face was bloody, a few scratches here and there. I told you I was sorry over and over and you told me not to worry about it. I took you to the Nurse and I waited with you, holding your hand. the Nurse said you were lucky to have a friend like me. I remember you agreed with her. that made my heart happy.

I lived in that town for a little more than two years, us hanging out all the time, playing at each others houses. until. that one day when my parents wanted to move back to the town that I wanted to forget. I didn’t have a choice, I was only 8, I told you that I was moving away, and you started crying, I told you I’d keep in touch and that I wasn’t moving far. that was the first time I lied to you. and believe me I felt bad. I thought that me being away from that town for two years that it would’ve changed, that people would be different. I was wrong. when I came back, the bullying started again. although I remember the day before I moved away, it was your birthday, I got you a birthday card, wrote you a letter and gave you a cute pink piggy bank. to this day I don’t know if you got my present or not. I hadn’t kept in touch with you and I did move far.

fast forward through five years of bullying and being friends with shallow, fake people. the horrible school I was at decided to change things up. our school and about 3 other schools were gathered together to try out an experiment called Elluminate Live! which is an online learning program. I was excited because that meant I would make friends over the internet. me still being the shy, socially awkward girl that I was when I was young, that was the only way I could make friends. So, we started the program. and it was fun. alot of jerks still, about a hundred kids on the program, made friends with like twelve of them. well maybe not friends, but I got to know them, we weren’t close but we knew each other. but I remember scrolling through who was all on the program and my eyes zeroed in on your name. Shekiera Dick. I was kind of overwhelmed by the sight. I wanted so much to talk to you, to say that I missed you, but I was afraid that you forgot about me the way I forgot about you. after a couple weeks of procrastinating, I finally built up the nerve to say Hi to you, you then responded with Hey 🙂 I asked if you remember me. you said No. I wasn’t expecting you to remember me, but then you responded again with Wait.. I do. you used to go to my school. you told me you would come back, but you didn’t. Hi Niki. Again, Shekiera, you have no idea how much I regret not talking to you over the years.

After we hung out again, we became friends, not the best but not the worst, we weren’t as close as we used to be, but I was content with what I got. you showed me pictures of your baby sister, I met your mom and your grandma and grandpa again. they didn’t remember me but I remembered them. even though we were friends, people talked about you. from my school, I tried not to listen to what they were saying. but even my friends were talking about you. calling you annoying and how they wanted to beat you up. I defended you of course, telling them our story. they didn’t listen, they tried to turn me against you. I stayed with you the duration of the moodle program. which lasted two years. we still weren’t the best of friends but we were still close.

In Grade 10, I moved again. this time a little closer to where you lived but not by much, two hours away from where you lived. we were friends on facebook, and yada yada ya. by that time, those “friends” had finally pulled me down to their ugly level. I started seeing you as annoying and I talked to you less and less. you still treated me as your close friend, which hurts me now, and I deserve to hurt. because if I wasn’t such a ***** in grade 10. maybe you would’ve been here with me in Grade 12. Your not. you committed suicide.

In Grade 11, I started talking to you again, texting you, I saw you a couple of times, I missed seeing your smile so when I saw you, I smiled and we hugged, you kept telling me how much you missed me. and I told you the same. I meant it. I made more friends, I stopped getting bullied, I liked the school I’m at now so much better than the other school. But. because I was having a good time, I didn’t realize that you needed help. I didn’t realize until too late. we talked, short little facebook conversations. we commented on each other’s statuses and poked each other. but our friendship didn’t grow and maybe that’s what you needed. I should have been there for you. You died because you thought nobody cared. when I did and still do.

I remember and I don’t care if this sounds wierd to anyone, but this is what I remember. the week before she committed suicide. I suddenly became really depressed and for no good reason either. I always cried and felt empty, like I lost something inside of myself. my friends couldn’t figure out why I was so sad, I shouldn’t have been, that week was amazing. I should’ve been happy, but deep inside of myself I felt like something was missing. and I blame myself for not listening to my gut. my gut said that someone was in trouble. but I didn’t know who. I was helpless to help because I didn’t know who needed help. I wasn’t aware of how you were feeling.

that weekend was horrible, on friday and saturday I cried my eyes out over the smallest things, I didn’t even know why I was crying for the most part. on sunday though. I felt normal, the empty pit was gone. I thought the little episode was over. so I was happy. I was talking to my friends on the 4 hour bus ride back into town and we were all having a blast. that is… until I got back into town, and into cell service. that’s when I got the text that confused me to all end. it said “Do you know how Shekiera died?” that was from my friend. who shall remain nameless. at first when I read that, I convinced myself that it wasn’t true, I told myself that you weren’t dead. I told myself that you were still with me. I told my friend that it wasn’t true and that you weren’t dead. that it couldn’t be possible. she texted back and said that there were “Rest in Peace” statuses all over her wall. the bus ride wasn’t so fun anymore.

I tried not to break down on the bus because I was in shock, I didn’t believe that you were gone. I rushed back home. I got home and went straight to the computer room and went and checked facebook. sure enough. there it was. a bunch of people writing “Rest in Peace” statuses on your wall. I asked one of my moodle friends what happened. she told me that you committed suicide, you hung yourself. I broke down, I started crying and sobbing and I couldn’t function, even to this moment typing this is hard without tearing up. it’s only been a year and a half but still. it hurts like it happened yesterday. I was an emotional wreck for the longest time, I couldn’t go to school because of it. I started cutting that year, shortly after you died. I told myself I wasn’t going to do it again. and I didn’t. not until this year. I started again. for different reasons but all the same.

Shekiera. theres’s no way I could forgive myself. I feel like it was my responsibility, I should’ve helped you, I should’ve tried to talk you out of it. but I didn’t know. I didn’t know how you were really feeling and that will be my biggest regret. I wrote this in honor of you because I miss you, and I love you so much. you were my little sister, you are my guardian angel. I’ve actually seen you in my dreams twice now. I cherish those dreams. I hold them close to my heart all the time. I miss you so much.

Love always, Niki. <3

Sorry to those who are reading this, it’s really long. :/