Trapped

I’m 28 years old and my life is a complete waste. I am the youngest of six children, there’s a seven year gap between me and the rest, the eldest of my siblings being sixteen years older than I am. (just giving you the background here).

Life in my family was never easy, we were considered free labor, we cleaned the house, cooked the meals, did the laundry, kept the yard did the shopping and washed my dad’s collection of cars. These chores started as young as five years of age, we’d walk two miles to the nearest supermarket, and then carry the groceries home, this was generally a whole week’s worth of groceries for the entire family. But that’s not what’s getting me down now, my dad died when I was 7, and everything went to hell very quickly, my mother who had always behaved in an unpredictable manner dialed it up to an 11.

After my dad died, the eldest three siblings left the house, and not long after my other sister also left, the remaining sister worked double shifts (probably to avoid being around our mom) She left the house at 7am and got back at 2am and then slept, so she may as well have not lived there. Since I was only seven at the time, I had no choice, I was stuck there, and because of that I became my mother’s punching bag, I’d get beaten as often as five times a day, with anything she could reach, I was verbally abused, I was never called on my name, it was always “brat” or “bastard” or something along those lines.

I’ve never approached anyone about it, because I was too scared, and the times that someone did get suspicious my mom would smooth talk it away, telling people that I have “behavioral problems” or that I’m just very withdrawn, the bruises would be attributed to playground injuries, and when the bruises raised too many eyebrows my mom resorted to using a wet towel, it hurts like a whip, but leaves no real marks, and so it went on throughout my childhood.

During my teens the abuse escalated to the point where any medical condition would be ignored to the point where I’d have to be hospitalized when I was finally admitted. My eldest sister, as well as my eldest brother left the country, and cut off all communication with the family, this was followed by my second eldest brother also cutting off communication with the family, the two remaining sisters stayed at home for a short while, and became aware of the living circumstances that I had to deal with (my mother is a hoarder, and at that stage had reduced the inside of the house to such a state that no one was allowed inside, just me and my sisters) this raised a lot of questions at school, as to why teacher’s couldn’t come over for a parent teacher visit, or why friends couldn’t visit or sleep over, as a by product I ended up having no friends in my later years, because they couldn’t visit the house, and due to the condition the house was in I had a “moldy” smell all the time.

After two years (I was about 14 at the time) my other sister left the country as well, leaving me and my other sister alone at home, she had continued to work around the clock, and thus never really paid any attention to what was going on in the house. Eventually she was diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, and was forced to work less hours.

I apologize for the long post, as I am only getting around to the gist of the story now.

I am 28 years old, single and unemployed. I had been engaged once, but after several months of emotional blackmail I broke it off with my fiance, because my mother had threatened suicide if I were to move out. I had been unemployed for nearly two years now, and can’t find another job because I had given up on college because, once again, my mother threatened suicide if I left, I am stuck working jobs that pay below minimum wage, and I don’t see a future for myself.

Whenever I do get a job opportunity, which happens to fall outside of walking distance from the house my mom does everything in her power to make sure that I either get fired, or get guilted out of taking the job. She’s never done this with any of my older siblings, and they were never threatened with her suicide if they wanted to leave, yet I constantly feel like I have a leash around my neck, because I am not allowed to do anything.

My unemployment and lack of a relationship is also used as regular ammunition against me, I am constantly told that I am useless, lazy and have no motivation, and that no one would ever want to hire me, and that she takes care of me, and without her I’d be nothing and living on the streets. I am also constantly reminded that no one in their right mind would ever love me, and that my fiance left me because I was such a disappointment (I was told to break it off, by my mother, but that doesn’t matter).

This all came to a head this morning, for the first time in nearly eighteen months I had landed an interview at a large company, I had the opportunity to get a decent job, but being unemployed for as long as I’ve been I didn’t have any money, the interview was in the next town, 7miles away, I had asked around for a lift to the interview, but no one was able to help me out, so I decided that I’d take a bus and walk the extra mile from the bus stop to the interview, I had discussed it with my mom on friday, this whole weekend she was fine with it, we even went to go visit her sister (where I was instructed to lie, telling them I have a great job, and that I’m seeing someone). Then this morning, half an hour before I had to leave for the interview she tells me that she won’t pay the bus fare. Naturally I could have attempted to walk the seven miles, but I wouldn’t have made it on time, I’d probably have been late, I’ve never walked further than five miles, I don’t know how long it would take me.

I asked my sister, but being the time of month that is was (and my sister pays for all the groceries, and any other expenses as my mom refuses to pay anything, because we live in her house, even though she won’t let us leave) she didn’t have any money. So now, here I sit, the first interview in nearly two years, and I couldn’t make it because my mother wouldn’t let me. I am trapped, I have no idea, or means to get out, and the only option that makes sense now is suicide.

I don’t want to be talked out of it, I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, because my life has been reduced to the point where either she dies or I do before any of this will change.

So now I need advice, decent advice:

I want to know how I can commit suicide in a clean manner, that is relatively painless, without any nasty side effects (such as nausea and cramps).

Any feedback will be welcome as soon as possible, I greatly appreciate it.

PS: Please don’t try to talk me out of it, and don’t tell me that I should consider councelling, I have been through three psychiatrists and two therapists in the past eight years (which my sister pays for, without my mom knowing) none of them could help me, and none of them have been able to give me any decent advice on getting out of my current situation, one actually felt sympathy with my mother. The most advice I had gotten out of my psychiatrist was to get a job, move out, and try to lead my life as normal. Obviously I am struggling to just get to square one, because I have no friends in my immediate area (one of them is working in Japan, and the other in Canada) and we have no family left in this country, except my sister, and she’s completely incapable of helping me. So no, I don’t need to seek “help” from a professional, because so far they have been useless, and I don’t/can’t talk to anyone else about it because there isn’t anyone.

I have done several searches online for techniques and everywhere I go people are so hell bent on saving my life, this isn’t helpful, because I am only being forced into doing something that I really don’t want to do anymore, and that’s live.

I can’t get a hold of any “hard” drugs, so don’t tell me about some medication that doctors might prescribe on a rare occasion, and I don’t know any dealers. I can’t get a hold of a gun, or a rope or any of those things, and no… I don’t have a car, there is no car, and I don’t plan of suffocating myself in a stranger’s garage.

So: I need something that’s quick, clean, easy to get a hold of, and most importantly as painless and easy as possible.

Thanks