what has to happen

Its come to my conclusion that i am going to try and off myself again.Im scared to death cause its a past method im using one that almost killed me.Im scared to death of doing this.But that little short lived happy time is over.Its left me and its always going to come and then not be there and i cant stand that.I am filth thats all i am while im alive.
The method will be successful this time.I would check myself into a mental hospital but there all crappy except the one i recently came from.That is to far away to go to.
I dont like to use the word suicide so ill say this is a cry for help and cause its a cry for help once ive done what i need to i will call that mental hospital and givve them yet another chance to save me.Though its not going to work this time.Ill be gone.But i want to give them a chance to save me or at least find my body.I dont want to do this but i dont want to be this way either.I have nothing to be sad over yet i am sad.Why am i sad?Why?Why?Why?
The good thing is my picture book will be finished by then.And maybe ill be like that famous painter who commited suicide who became more loved in death than in life.I love my family but im hurting and i dont know how to control the thoughts.I also have bad thoughts that no one knows about but i would be looked at as a freak if anyone knew.I want to live but not like this.I suffer like this but so do the people around me.I can only die once that means when i die i will only hurt them that one time then no more as compared to if i continue suicide attempts and fail then im hurting them over and over again.It can only end in death.AM i afraid to die?Yes i am.But fear and death go one and one.And when its over theres nothing not even fear anymore