As part of my behavior intervention plan it was decided that i shouldnt come on here as often.My plan for death after the family trip is still in motion.Im aware that i could die but its to late to stop cause everything has all been planned out.And for me i dont stop when ive decided to do something.Theres no turning back.Its sad cause my mom said today that ive changed and grown a lot.I agree with her in all ways except one and that is im still sad.Just this general doom and gloom about everything.I cant even call my friend from the hospital cause im not in my right mind to help her with her problems.
Its hard going back to this again unless of course i die then itll be even harder..But this sadness it hurts and it shouldnt hurt but it does.I love my family and everyone who was there and supported me but i cant live not like this.Its unbearable.I dont even call this a suicide i call it a cry for help.even though none of the help has done me any good.I still wish for someone to rescue me
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How are you doing today? Can you check in to just let us know you are here?
you know ive been thinking about it.You know i was sitting with my family watching x factor.And then i thought about it and i realized this world we live in well all hell is breaking lose.I hear lately a lot about the antchrist and 666.Then theres child murders.And possibly a new president.The world is just shit and to be honest sure i can sit and be happy tonight for a tv show.But whats that amount to the world.This world is falling apart.I was a happy kid.I dont want my life to be miserable and watch it die at the same time.I rather just be gone than stick around to watch my parents die or god forbid something happen to my brother and sister.Ive had pets that died.And ive always felt helpless cause i wouldve taken pets to the vet but there was no money so watched them die.And i wanted to poison them so they wouldnt suffer but i thought id just make things worse.I cant watch my loved ones died thats worse.
And then if i do get help for this.The only way thatll happen is if im locked up.I cant control myself.Sometimes its like im not even in charge of me.Plus being locked away in a mental facility well ive been in one good one and the rest bad.there was a lot of abuse.I want control over me but im not in control.
This world has a lot to offer ive never seen and might never see because its being destroyed.That and my depression issues push me futher into this black hole i cant get out of.
Im going on a vacation with my family at the end of this month.Once i get back is when it will probably start.In the mean time im really great at showing the side everyone wants to see.The good girl who expresses interest in learning and does what shes told.Its easy cause i hate being me.
It will be scary as hell though if i do die i dont know what the heck is next.But ive sadi in post before your supposed to be afraid of death.Even the people claiming theyd love to die dont actually expect to die.Its a big risk.And i dont want to take it but the more i stay here the worse i feel and the more i feel i have to.