Whats wrong with me? Honestly.

Long awaited, I can’t tell you how long I have anticipated this post. My scars are fading. But some will always remain. It’s just a reminder of how weak I truley am. Everyday, the only thing rooting my mind is when and where I will finally be able to break it and cut again. It’s driving me crazy. Everyone thinks I’m fine and happy though. Everyone thinks I’m okay since I went to the Mental Hospital. I told everyone I wasn’t suicidal. I regret lying. I’m just waiting of when to do it. It all started with my father. He betrayed my mother and I. I was only two when he basically disapeared from my life. Then yay he came back when I was five. He tried buying my affection with gifts and phone calls. Yep phone calls he lived across the fucking country. For a while I let it slide. Although deep down I wanted to see him. Then my little sister was born. I never got to speak to him after that because all of his attention was based on my stepmom and her. I became jealous, and angry and confused. I hated him. All I wanted was him to come and see me and he would service to that one little thing I wanted. He said he had no money, bullshit he went on a cruise, went to Newyourk, DISNEY WORLD AND DISNEYLAND and who knows where else. Then came along my little brother. He lives with me. He’s my mothers child. Well more like Satans child. He has tourtured me since he could walk. He has chased me with knives. Even stabbed me once. I have never been afraid of anyone younger then me in my life. I turn 7 now and my other little sister is born. Yay again no contact with my father what so ever. I decide to make my point across and write him a letter explaining how upset I was. That soon lead to me never hearing from him for about two years. I’m nine now and I still havent seen him. My bestfriend and I havent talked in two years and my grandparents are abusing eachother. Throwing punches, pushing and pulling. Fourth grade and having to come home to this. Yeah I lived with them. My mom, my brother and I. It wasnt bad other then my grandparents. Always yelling, well screaming at the top of their lungs and me hiding in a corner trying to stop crying. Trying to get this chaos away from my head. I was scared. With no one to help. To make matters worse it’s 5th grade now and nothing has changed. Its all the same except my mom just got a job woop. But it’s far away so that means we have to move. I am being forced to leave my friends and go to another school. Oh guess what the funny part is my last day was on my birthday. The 29th of October. So now I am gone and the house is nice. Ironically it was a street behind my old bestfriend Alayna’s house. Anyway we got back in contact and yipee besties again.

Okie dokie first day back at school. The new school. I already have bullies. ” CAMEL TOE” ” BLUE BERRY” ” FAT ASS” ” WHORE” those were only a couple of the things said to me. Everyday, I went to school not just being verbally bullied but physically and cyberlly. ( Can’t spell) Anyway I had no idea what to do. I had really never been bullied so this was new. But it did hurt. People tried to tell me to ignore it but I couldn’t. I remember cutting for the first time. What joy it brought me. I finnally felt human.  It quickly became a regular thing. I would use Broken glass for the most part anyway. I have burned myself with lighters and with Pencil erasers. Anyway My dad got back in contact with me and fine until I got see him in December. Yeah after pretty much nine years without much contact he finally desides he wants to be a part of my life. I went up there had the time of my life and was miserable for a week once I got back. I fell into a depression, well my depression and axienty got worse anyway.

The bullying got so bad my mom  took me out for most of 6th grade year. I did online schooling which turned me anti-social for the most part. Which again made my depression worse. I went to see my dad again over the summer that year. Keep  in mind I was 11 when I went. He tried to turn my mom against me and tell me it was my moms fault for everything. I remember hating my mom for the longest amount of time when I got back from seeing him. I kept it in for so long until one day I blew. It all came out. Then I hated both my mother and my father. Now I pretty much hate him.

Since then I have been back in school for 7th. My bestfriend is gone and I am pretty much alone. Like I said cutting was regular till my mom caught me for the third time then actually took action and took my to a mental hospital. I swore I didn’t want to kill even though I dreamt of dying for so long. Razors were my bestfriends. Just watching the blood go down my arms then down the drains. Or the cuts on my legs that would bleed for hours. I miss those. I can’t cut anymore. Everyone is constantly watching me even though I hide my scars and sctratches that I have made with my Kandi. I havent talked to my dad since he didnt care that I cut. We tried telling him but he had to go and blame it on my mother calling her evil. My mother is dying and I watch her crumble every day. Bit by bit. She has so many things wrong with her and it’s killing me aswell.

I have a balchony. It would be so easy just to jump or maybe taking all of my brothers ADHD pills. It’s that easy. I want to do it so bad. I need to die honeslty. No one wants me here I can tell. I’m still being bullied, my bestfriend left me alone and my mothers not much a help. I am almost 14. Almost. I think I will do it on my birthday. I have my suicide not ready and everything. I’m ready to leave this cruel world. I am ready.