Dear Lemon

There’s so much pain in this place. I thought I’d write something at least a little hopeful (if still bitter and morbid) [and as an afterthought, clumsily worded].

Dear Lemon,

I haven’t really, truly trusted anyone in a long time. Sure, I trust people to do work-related things, but I’ve never trusted anyone to care. My doubt has always been one-sided – questioning the potential goodwill of others, but never the “malice”.

I realized that’s why it’s been so hard for me to be alone. Whenever you “blow me off”, or fail to speak to me for more than a day, I immediately start wondering if our friendship is falling apart (I was about to type “or what’s left of it” – see what I mean?) But it’s ridiculous that I can be so insatiably attracted to you, yet believe that you’re forever planning to leave me behind. So I won’t believe that. I’ll trust you.

I’ll trust that if you’re too busy to hang out or to talk to me, it’s because you’re busy dealing with your mystery illness that we’re all freaking out about (I hope you get well soon), or that you’re busy being the amazing scientist that you are, or that you’re busy being the wonderful human being that I’d like to be in love with (but can’t). Most of all, I’ll trust you to tell me if we’re no longer okay.

And if I’m wrong about you, I’ll find a way to mend myself. But I won’t let my doubts and fears drag us down. Because I know that whatever chance we have of staying friends after all this is over depends on us being able to trust each other. So I’ll trust you, and I’ll do my part so that you can trust me too.

I can’t help how I feel, but I can choose what I do, and I can do the things that I need to do to earn your trust. I know that trust isn’t about the big stuff (although the big stuff certainly can shatter it). It’s about always doing the little things right. To that end, I’m going to show you that I’m not going anywhere – that no matter how deep the hole I find myself in, I won’t come close to “checking out”. And I’ll do all that while trying to make you (and everyone else) smile.

I’m glad that it’s my feelings that are uncontrollable, not my actions. Because love is action. Love is a collection of actions, over a period of time, that you do for someone else. So I don’t have to care about how I feel to be in love with you. I’ll just show it, by trusting that we’ll get through this okay.

1/2(C&C)