A man can only take so much…

I’ve tried before to take my own life, I was 22. Many things had occurred through out my life at that point all of which had been coming to a boil, my button had been pushed, death was the only way to escape.  Some may find it cowardice, but not me, it’s my life, the things in my life are under my control, and at the time I felt I had lost control of everything. So I decided I was going to take control of something for once, it was one of the lowest days of my life. I was having issues finding work, the mother of my children seemed to be at that point trying to make my life more miserable then it was, my love interest didn’t seem to love me, more or less she seemed to just want to have someone around that she knew would breakdown in a wreck if she ever spoke the words “I’m done with you.” I lived with my mother who was still angry with my father over their falling out when I was only a baby, and she never missed a chance to remind me. I was a 22 year old with nothing to show for it, not even a high school diploma or license.  On that day I decided I couldn’t take it any longer, I walked 2 miles to a store and bought a bottle of Tylenol PM’s, I went to the counter and the clerk asked if I was alright and I replied that I will be, as I was leaving he told me to take care and that he would see me later, I couldn’t help but think to myself  “no you won’t.” I made my way home, along the way I consumed handfuls of pills at a time, by the time I was halfway home I could feel my body becoming heavy and my ears seemed to ring louder then any other sound around. I swallowed 3 handfuls by the time I walked into my moms house, I sat on the couch, only to be greeted by a disapproving stare from my mother.  My kids came and sat next to me, at this point I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I placed an arm around the both of them and held back tears as I said my final goodbyes to my 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter “Daddy is gonna love you forever, you be good for mommy.” Their mother picked them up shortly after, at this point I had taken another handful of pills, I was becoming dizzy and cold so I took a warm shower, I was told I was in the shower for 2 hours but it felt like 10 minutes, my mother said she could tell I was up to something but only assumed it was drugs do to my wild nights with ecstasy, after the shower I stumbled to my bed which was an air mattress in the living room and closed my eyes. My attempt to take my own life failed, I was woken up by my stepfather, for a moment I wondered if I actually accomplished my goal, but I was assured that I failed. I remember the look on my stepfather’s face, the pain in his voice, he said I didn’t look like the man he seen me as, my skin was white, eyes fully dilated and they had a distant gaze about them. My mother couldn’t look at me, she was too busy cleaning up the throw up I left in the bathroom, I had blacked out so I didn’t know that before getting out of the shower I puked all over the place, I didn’t know that I stood at the front door as if to walk out of it for 10 minutes, I didn’t know that out of the 45 pills I had only 3 left. But what I do know now is that a man can only take so much.