I know this is ridiculously long and most of you won’t care about what I have to say. That’s okay. I just needed to release some depression somewhere. I’ve been feeling worse and worse lately even though I know I’m trying to head in the right direction. I just needed to vent some frustration. I always say I’m doing this for me, changing for myself, but it still kills me when my family shows me how worthless I am… so here are my thoughts for the past week.
I’m amazed at how well I’ve become at wearing a mask. I’m able to conceal my emotions so well that it’s frightening. It’s one of the very reasons I hate myself. I’m disgusted that I’m able to walk around with the most fake smile painted on my face for the world to see. I’d rather everyone think something else about me, even if it’s not true, instead of seeing the truth. I don’t want everyone to see how broken I am, how worthless I am. I’ve had to wear a mask every day for the past 9 years in order to minimally function. What everyone sees is a lie, it’s not real, I’m not real. I’m an illusion. I’m the exact thing that everyone wants me to be, but I’m tired of it, I’m sick of it all. I’m tired of being strong and having to convince myself that everything will get better. I’ve waited, I’ve ran, I’ve tried, I’ve failed, I’ve stood back up, I’ve been strong and gritted my teeth, and now I’ve given up.
Just the other day I went in for a job interview. My first job interview ever at 22 years old, pathetic, I know, but I was scared out of my freaking mind and not for the reasons any other ordinary person would be. I was terrified that I would leak in front of the hiring manager. I was afraid that at the mention of one personal question, such as “What have you been doing with your life since graduating high school?†I would just break down and everyone would see how useless I completely am. I’m always scared that someone will be able to see through me and realize I’m not who I pretend to be. I’m afraid someone will see that I really don’t want to be here and that they can see in my eyes that I contemplate suicide every night. Fortunately though, the woman who interviewed me was extremely nice, personable, and easy to talk to. I have anxiety about meeting new people/talking to unfamiliar people in general so that’s another reason why I was so fearful. Anyway, I was offered a 2nd interview the next day and quickly went home just to end up in an explosive argument with my mom. My mother continued to degrade me all night, reminding me of how much she hates me and wants me gone. All I had wanted was for my mother to talk a little quietly, her room is directly next to mine and at 10pm I had wanted to try and get some sleep. I usually have bad insomnia, especially if anything stressful is occurring which is why I had wanted to try and rest before the next interview.
Anyways, my mom was laughing and talking rather loudly to her boyfriend (who I completely despise, long story = he used to be my friend until they both lied about their relationship then proceeded to gossip about me behind my back) Needless to say I grew upset once she started accusing me of trying to be controlling! I didn’t say for her to stop talking, just to talk quieter and try to be a little respectful, after all me getting a job is beneficial for everyone right? So why go and ruin my chances?! Well, a simple request turned into a 2 hour yelling fest. It was now midnight, I was exhausted and after my mom had left to go to her boyfriend’s house so they could finish “talking†all I could do was sit on my bedroom floor and snap rubber bands against my leg. I haven’t cut in close to 2 years. I had started when I was 13, quit, and then started again at around age 20. Now my scars are pretty much faded but that’s not why I don’t want to cut. I know how good it feels, but I also know how hard it is to stop. I have urges to cut all the time, especially that night I felt so alone. I snap rubber bands instead. I cried, looking at my bottle of pain pills that were prescribed 2 months ago, bottle still ¾ full. I had wanted to empty that entire bottle in my mouth but knew better. Not only was I going to probably be drug tested the next day, but I also knew I would be so messed up and miserable I probably wouldn’t have been able to go to the interview at all. Well, I didn’t sleep at all. I snapped rubber bands until 3 am, when there was a huge purple bruise covering half my thigh. My leg was red, stinging, my face was red from crying and I had a massive headache. I headed to the gym at 4 am, ran 6 miles (w/ a broken collarbone) so it hurt a little. I lifted weights until I could barely walk and returned home after I was exhausted. Still not sleeping, I went through my online homework, noticing I had a 4 page essay due later that night, fml, and tried to research what questions I should be prepared for later that afternoon. Well my 2nd interview rolled around and I arrived early with bags under my eyes (thank goodness for makeup!!) I’m amazed at how calm I could appear when I was so emotionally destroyed inside. The store manager was extremely busy so they had a lead person interview me instead. Amazingly, she said she loved me already after answering only 3 questions! Somehow all I could think about was you don’t even know me, but I continued to smile and politely said thanks. At the end I was offered the job and it hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out. I completely sold myself to these people. Not sold literally, but I actually convinced people that I am okay, that I’m worth something when I know I’m not, and that I would be a good addition for their store. I was immediately proud of myself for going through it sanely. I was surprised at how natural it was for me to talk about myself and not break down. Then leave it to my family to bring me down. It’s been a week since then, I go for orientation this week and I have yet to hear a congratulations or good job or anything from my family.
My mom knows about my depression and yet refused to apologize for the way she acted the night before. She didn’t say she was proud or good work. My dad’s first question was when do I start sending him money? Wtf?! And my brother immediately tried to outshine my progress by saying how he’s going to apply at McDonald’s and he’s only 16 so my mom should be so proud of him… I feel awful now more than ever… I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been trying to make strides in the right direction and I just feel like I’m doing this all for nothing. I know others won’t notice this right away and it’s going to take time for me to completely feel better about myself, but even with me accomplishing this, I feel empty. I’m still in pain. I still feel alone. I just now feel like I’ll have more to distract me, but this cycle is still spinning. I’m sorry, I just needed to vent a little. I’m upset that everyone always wants me to do things, to strive to be better and to work for a future, then when I do no one ever acknowledges it. Instead I’m always faced with an obstacle before an even bigger obstacle. I know I don’t deserve a break, but when is it time for me to actually enjoy what I’m trying to do?! I want to get better. I want to have peace. I want to let the option of suicide go. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I just feel like I want all of this so desperately and yet no one is there to see it. So what is the point? I can’t even see it. All I’ve ever said is I want some support. Just a little encouragement from those who are supposed to mean the most to me and yet all I ever get is beaten into the ground, sometimes literally. Guess what? I don’t have much energy left to keep a mask on for much longer. One day I’m just going to throw everything away. Because maybe the day my heart is still is the day this pain won’t hurt anymore…
39 comments
Thats Great That You Got The Job Considering All The Stress You’ve Been Under 😀 Good Job! I’d Never Be Able To Do That…
Thank you! That means a lot, especially knowing you took the time to read all of that rambling from me, lol. It’s actually one of the reasons I feel I’m able to sell myself so well! They actually asked me if I handle stress well and you have no idea how much I wanted to scream “You have no freaking idea!!!” Anyway, I’m hoping this will help inspire others to be strong as well. I have so many obstacles lined up against me, depression, anxiety, no family support, no job experience, suicidal thoughts, and no energy, but I know it’s not impossible. Anyone is capable of change. Now I just hope it was all worth it.
well congratulations you seem like a hard working, good hearted person, but it seems your surrounded by assholes. keep your head up and be proud of yourself at least you have a job. i always thought people like you and i who wear masks might make great actors lol
I know what you mean, if I didn’t have horrible anxiety and stage fright I may just be the most amazing actress ever! I’ve always worked hard. I just never have gotten anything from it. So after awhile I gave up. Now I’m trying again, although I’m afraid I’ll get back to the same point where I see nothing good will ever come of it. I hope not. But thank you, both for your encouragement and for taking the time to read through my words and reply. I’m grateful others can actually understand where I’m coming from and aren’t just wondering “why the hell I’m not better yet?!” I try. There are times when I question myself why, but I eventually want to be able to see that life is worth living.
it is worth living, sure we all have our low points but it does come apparent that life is worth living, it’s like putting a little bit of sea salt on chocolate it brings out the sweetness of the choclate
@fallenangel people think putting salt and pepper on fruit is weird. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it I say.
yeah my grandmother always used to salt and pepper apple slices, she also used to eat whole cloves of garlic
Mine too. But she didn’t eat raw garlic
yeah when i was little i watched in amazment as she ate whole cloves of garlic and ginger
I’ve actually tried some salt on fruit before, especially apples. Not the healthiest thing in the world, but it’s actually quite delicious. I’m now just beginning to realize that there will always be low points but I’m just hoping I hang on long enough so that one day I can actually come to appreciate the good that life can bring and not be so focused on the negative all the time. I know, I don’t have the worst situation in the world. My father left me when I was 7, my mother hates me, my brother never seems to care and has told me countless times he’d rather have me dead, and I am alone with anxiety and scared of interacting with people. But I just hope that all of that doesn’t continue to break me every single day. I want to be able to one day genuinely smile at the small things, like getting offered a job at my first ever job interview or being able to go one day without thinking of killing myself. It’s true, I hope all of this will somehow help me in the end… make me stronger somehow. 🙂
i know how you feel my dad was never around when i was a kid, the only memory out of my whole life i have of him was him teaching me to ride a bike and that was it, i have crippling social anxeity too, so much so i have very few friends. i’m depressed a lot but those moments of happiness i have i just savoir, it’s amazing when they do come around
She sounds like a trooper. My grandad would eat whole chilies in between shots of whisky.
yeah my mom eat whole jalepno peppers, it’s really odd isn’t it?
Yeah, I’m not sure if it was the fact that my dad just completely left that killed me or the fact that I was so close to him when he did. He was my best friend and the fact that now that I realize that he could leave so easily makes me question if any of it was even real. My father now has a whole other family and another daughter who is way younger than me and I no longer really see him as my dad. He’s this other girl’s dad…that makes sense right? Just makes me wonder, you know, he’s obviously capable of loving and able to support his new daughter, so what was so wrong with me that he couldn’t keep me? Plus given the fact that my mother is the same way, I’ve never felt loved by her, but my brother is absolutely adored by her, makes me feel worthless you know? Like I’m completely not worth loving, because apparently something is so extremely wrong…Anyway that’s way off topic. but thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I just needed some reassurance that everything will be ok. I say it all the time to myself, but I never actually believe it. You ever realize how anxiety of talking to people isn’t so bad online? I honestly don’t worry about conversing online as much as in person. It is amazing when you feel some kind of light, has only happened to me a few times but it gives you something to think twice about when those suicidal urges are rampant. 😛
Yeah I think they must believe it has medicinal properties. That’s why when your ill you get chai and some religious incantation. It works like a placebo.
yeah i actually left my dad he was abusive, i was never sure if he loved me or not either, but i at least had my mom and siblings, however i’m not sure how much my mum loved me and my siblings considering she let us stay in that situation up until i was 12 or 13 and my older siblings even longer. i’m not sure if he has a family in india or not but i think he does i haven’t seen him in 5 or 6 years. yeah and i do get what you mean by it being easier to talk to people online, it’s the fact that you don’t have to make eye contact and you can think of more things to say as you go along so theres no awkward silences
yeah whenever i felt sick i always got a cup of chai handed to me as a kid
I’m sorry, my mom used to be pretty abusive too. That’s another mystery to me as to why I feel like I need her love in the first place. Weird. I don’t know, I think I’d rather not know at all about my dad instead of knowing that he’s completely fine. I mean he calls all the time to talk to my brother and he sends pictures of him and his daughter building snowmen. Hurts more knowing/seeing him not literally but in pictures. I know sounds selfish, but somehow I’d rather not know him at all or think that he was dead. Yes! The online thing is so much easier to hide everything too, with the exception of posting on here, no one really knows how I feel. Although sometimes I think that makes me feel worse but it helps in the short term. That and with my anxiety, I usually get fidgety, start playing with my hair or bracelets. Then I have people just staring at me like “What the hell is wrong with you?” I hate it.
yeah understand how you feel, i’d rather no know what or where my dad is now thats in the pasts and i hope it stays there now. and understand how you feel about talking to people i put my hands in my pocket and look at my shoes half the time, when i mak eye contact with someone it’s like staring into the sun, i can olny do it for a few seconds
well if you ever need to talk my email is steven777256@hotmail.ca
mabye we can share some funny stories of our social awkwardness lol
Why thank you! I’ll definitely message you if I need some reassurance. I feel much better now than earlier. Honestly, I laugh half the time at my awkwardness. I will literally be standing there staring at everything else but the actual person I’m talking to. Then when I get home, I start to think of all of the things I should have said or did or how I should have acted. I swear, I’m socially dumb. I may be able to fool people, but it doesn’t mean I know how to interact well. I’d need to be completely drunk to be able to look anyone in the eyes. Kind of ridiculous. 😛
i’d need be drunk before hitting on a girl lol, yeah i guess we’re not people people lol
Oh my gosh, I’m terrified of ever hitting on a guy. Whenever I like a guy I do the opposite, I completely ignore them because I’m so terrified of doing something stupid in front of them! I’d have to be wasted or drugged to try anything! Yeah I guess we’re definitely not social butterflies, huh? I never used to be socially awkward, it just sort of happened. Could be a low self-esteem thing or the depression talking. I hope I’m not this way forever. Definitely sucks at my age. 🙁
there this one girl i really like every morning i hand her a chocolate at her locker make awkward conversation and go to class.
@fallen: awwwwwwwww!!!!! HOW CUTE IS THAT :’)
i’m really embarssed to do such but each morning i find myself doing it again
Aww that’s great! That’s way more bold than I would ever be. Seriously, it’s little things like that that can help you. I’m sure she appreciates it. You shouldn’t be embarrassed. 🙂
i think she’s actually pretty creeped out that a tall, thin east indian boy reselbling slenderman has taken an intrest in her lol
LOL fallen: i think thats the most cutest thing in the world hahaha she better appreciate the little things u do
Haha, I don’t think so. I would appreciate the consideration no matter what the person looked like that cared so much to do what you do. Who knows, maybe she’s as shy as you. Sometimes you never know how someone else feels.
well theres your chuckle for the day socially awkward guy talks to girl lol
well i guess from this website people do seems to wear a lot of masks but i can tell shes not intrested
No I don’t mean to laugh at your situation. I don’t think it’s funny, I’d find it hilarious if I even tried to be half as brave as you though. I would never be able to even say more than 3 words to someone I like… How do you know she’s not interested? Has she actually said something? Because who’s to say she won’t eventually be? I think you’re sweet to do that for her every morning.
well she hasn’t said anything but i can see it in her eyes, and this story was meant to be a bit of a chuckle also although i wish it wasn’t this funny lol
I think girls are sometimes more complex than others realize. I act uninterested all the time and really I actually am. It’s a defense mechanism. You should just give yourself more credit. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I’m glad you’re more capable than I in social situations such as that. Honestly, that will only continue to help you not hurt you. 🙂
usually i dont do things like this but there’s something about her that made me want to go after her. infact she’s the first girl i’ve actually gone after, sounds odd considering i’m 18 doesn’t it?
No I get it. That’s not odd at all. You know what’s worse? is being 22 and never having actively gone after anyone! I know tons of people my age who are married, have kids, and who are in stable relationships all while I’m terrified of simply telling a guy I like “Hi”!! That’s totally embarrassing. I’m glad you’re trying! That’s all that matters! And who knows, it may work out and it may not, but you should be proud that you had the courage to even try, because if you didn’t you wouldn’t ever know…like me. And that feels so much worse. You may feel awkward or dumb acting that way, but I believe in you. I know you’re acting on how you feel and that’s a great thing! You shouldn’t have to hold anything in. Keep the courage flowing. 🙂
well thank you and i know how it feels all my friends are in relationships and i’ve never even had a girl hug me. hopefully things turn out better for us in the future
You’re welcome. You deserve to be happy. I’m rooting for ya! Hopefully everything turns out okay. I know looking a everyone in relationships only makes me feel even more lonely. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m even in the right place to even begin to open up to someone else. I can hardly stand myself so I can’t imagine trying to have someone else deal with me. I hope you get a hug tomorrow. After getting a chocolate every day, I think one is in order here. 🙂