I don’t think I can go on any longer, so I finally decided to do it. I tried suicide once before, but I chickened out and told my parents who took me to the ER. I feel sick, I disgust myself. So young in life and I already want to die. Want to know why? Because I’m too sane for this world. People go on everyday not knowing any answers, just living paycheck to paycheck. I am not skilled, I don’t try in school so I do badly. I’m unwilling to work for a good life, so I hope for a better work ethic in the next life. All I want to do in life is be an author, but I realize that I’m nothing. This world has no use for people like me. I’m lazy and drugged up on anti depressants, but I still want to die. I guess all I can really do is tell you my story.
I have two loving parents who will miss me. I have never been abused or denied of things I want, and this is my downfall. I know it isn’t like this, but I want everything in life handed to me on a silver platter, but lets be honest, who doesn’t? My grandfather just passed away from cancer and I’m away from home. I know how I’m going to do it, only a few days to go. I’ll put my coat, shoes, and scarf in my room, wait until it’s night and sneak out my window. I’ll dress in my favorite red dress and put on my makeup, then I’ll walk up to the cliff miles away and jump. It’s so high death will be quick, if not instant. Though I still feel sick in my stomach. I’ll miss my mommy and daddy, but I have to go. I can’t explain it, but this feeling won’t go away. I was seriously anorexic for one year, and I’ve been suicidal for two years, and now I’m ready. The only thing keeping me going is Taekwondo and my fanfiction. I’ve already taken care of one and put my story up for adoption.
I know its selfish of me, but my dad understands. He’s reassured me that he loves and want me to stay, but he’ll understand if I leave. My mom… she loves me, I’m her baby. My grandma, she just lost her husband, but I guess they’ll have to undergo one more loss.
I wish for what I cannot have. I’m totally in love with Starscream from Transformers Prime, but he’s not real. If there is a heaven, I hope for a personal one where I can have a life with him. I do not expect to go to heaven if there is one, though. I’ve lied, cheated, and have no religion. I believe in the Goddess and God though, I think that every religion could be right. Believe in what you want and I shall not denounce you, that’s my saying.
Is it wrong to feel this way? It very well might be, but I don’t care. I won’t lie, indecisive and this is going to be hard. I just hope that when the night comes I can muster my courage and take the cowards way out. Ironic huh? To all those who have valid reason to be suicidal, and those like me who don’t, my heart goes out to you. I deeply hope you find an answer to whether to go through with your plans of death or not. I found mine, and it’s to do it. At least I think that’s the answer…
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6 comments
I understand how you feel, to feel depression and suicidal thoughts when really there is nothing wrong with your life. i have a family who loves me and a good group of friends yet why do i feel so empty? i wish it could be explained so we both could understand and find a solution.
I knew I wasn’t the only one, but it’s so good to know for sure. Heck, maybe I’m not sane and just crazy, it’s so hard to tell.
Can you think of anything you enjoy in life?
But I can relate. Whenever I’m in one mode of thinking (wanting to live) it seems so right, but when I’m in the other (suicidal) it seems equally right. How are you supposed to tell which thought is valid?
Hey, it sounds like your judging yourself for feeling like you do not want to go on in a life that you are not sure of the value of ? Is this right ? Looking at the way things are, it can be difficult to make sense of it but it sounds like there are somethings that are true for you. .you mentioned that you like writing ? How do you feel when you write ? We can be told that we have everything and that we should be grateful but really you cannot blame yourself for how you feel ? We do not choose to feel the way we do, it just happens but you are bigger and stronger than your feelings and your thoughts. What does the feeling that you mentioned the one that doesn’t go away feel like ?
love and peace
Jenny
Writhing makes me happy, like there is nothing wrong it the world. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost orgasmic, though not physically, emotionally. The feeling that constantly lingers is one of impending dread and worthlessness, my thoughts always return to suicide. My dad had it too, he was a depressed youth. Suicide is literally always on my mind, every moment of the day it’s ever present and I’m always looking for ways to end it and make it look like an accident.
Hey Starlove,
So what happens when you are writing that is different to the rest of the time. Do the thoughts come then. ? Do you know when the thoughts are coming and can you see them going ? That happiness you feel when you are writing is probably closer to who you really are then all of the thoughts that come and go about suicide. could this be joy you feel when you are writing. It sounds like the dread and doom is felt in your body and then your mind starts churning thoughts about suicide but when your writing there is no bodily sensations. Is that right ?
Jenny