Anyone out there having trouble living your life also?
Fuck, I just want to give up everything and die.
I’m tired of explaining everything to everyone about why I have erratic moods, why I need help, why I’m not as normal as everybody fucking thinks. I’m so miserable living my life. I basically lay down in bed, thinking of all things I have to do, shouldn’t forget to do… but I just can’t get up. I wake up so late in the afternoon that my day is halfway gone. I eat, use the bathroom, then go back to my room. In my room, I’m on my laptop, on the bed, continuously running episode after episode on whatever show it may be on Netflix. Then I go to sleep. Then it’s the afternoon. Then it’s the same process, cycle, useless, worthless piece of shit life that I live.
I couldn’t go to college this semester for a number of reasons.
I basically hung out with the wrong group of people during my first semester of college. It started off with weed, then psychadelics, prescription..
This doesn’t sound as bad. But it starts to sound bad when I explain how it affected my thought process, cognitive skills, and social activities. I stopped attending my classes to smoke weed. I stopped hanging out with people who were actually good influences on me. I became an unintelligent, anxious loner.
I became more and more frustrated. I left school a year and a half later with literally a 0.00 GPA and moved onto a community college near where I lived off-campus. There I got a decent 2.0+ and tried to see if the university would accept me again. I quit all drugs, went [semi-]completely sober. But when the time came, my parents couldn’t afford to send me back to the U because I didn’t match the GPA requirements of the school grants. Right when I saw a clear path, it became a roadblock. I had to move back in with my parents and start over.
Luckily, I had my boyfriend. Without him, I probably would already be dead.
But things still aren’t right. He’s about to graduate, I’m still not in school, and I’m trying to pass my damn real estate exam for the third damn time. I’ve been studying my ass off and putting in so much effort to get my license. What am I doing wrong for me to be failing twice in a row? It brings me back to the memories I had in college when I tried so hard to study, but my concentration and focus just wasn’t there. Even with the help of Adderall, Focalin, Ritalin, Vyvanse… I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why had my brain stopped absorbing information? Am I mentally handicapped? Am I stupid? Why can’t I understand any information given to me? Any academic material? A damn heater manual?!
I’ve become a hypochondriac, consistently checking websites on disorders, looking up symptoms, just to see what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to go back to abusing drugs… I can’t go through it again. I want to give myself another chance, but I’m conflicted by my thoughts of failure.
I’m so scared of myself. But this is only a fraction of my problems. What’s the point of going on with life if I cannot learn anything? When I cannot even think for myself anymore?
I hate myself. I don’t have any talent, literally zero friends, I’ve gained 20 pounds, I’m stupid…
I just need to end this myself.
1 comment
Sometimes it’s really hard to respond to these when I know I’m not any better off. But, maybe you can try for little goals to make improvements. For instance, I changed my clothes today. Yay! I haven’t done that in over a week now.
I also have a horrible memory but I don’t attribute my prior use of weed + as much as I think the ADD has a lot to do with it along with when I would stop breathing as a baby because I’ve always had a bad memory. But, if you think it’s the drugs, I read recently that our brains actually DO repair themselves just like any other part of our body and my thoughts are that if the damage was done, maybe it has something to do with the connections we had made there before. And then they have to be re-connected through a more basic learning process before those pistons start firing like they used to.
You might consider a more nutrition-based approach to the problem as one of the little goals to achieve. There’s a lot to be said (and a ton of info on the net) about how HFCS, sugars and other poor nutritional choices that influence our abilities to excel mentally. Sleep plays a major role as well. Worth a shot right?