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Dear Amakua:

by Andy2112

When I apologized to you the other day in case my inquiry had upset you, I had not yet seen your comment. Yesterday I saw it and read it and I felt hurt again even though I know I am not responsible for your hurt, but we are all in this thing together, and I just feel bad and think in the future I must be even more careful about asking people here questions. I cannot seem to find your comment in order to reply to it there, so I am doing it here. Even if we can consider it healing therapy to hurt and cry, I still feel bad about it. I can understand the head slamming, and I saw this guy in the mental hospital slam his head full force into a hardwood door, everyone on the unit ran away from him, staff rushed in and tied him up. I fully understand the head slam as a desire to get out of the miserable body experience. Reminds me of waking in a panic, having to jump out of bed, then run out of my room, then I began running from the residence until I stopped myself and realized I cannot run from myself no matter how hard and fast I run. I also just wanted to let you know, like you, I used to hold my breath (if I did not get my way). My mom would see me begin to turn purple and give in to me. Then she spoke with the same psychiatrist she would take me later at age 5. He told her not to give in to me and just let me hold my breath, I will pass out and start breathing again and then no longer engage in the behavior. All I can say about that: shitty advice from an ignorant male psychiatrist in the late ’60s. He should have told my mother to pick me up and hold me, she simply lacked a loving caring maternal instinct it seems to me, as she was all caught up in her own mental illness.

I am glad to see you read happier today then the other day, Amakua. I hope my presence on this site is more helpful than hurtful to others. For myself, this site seems both helpful and hurtful. I feel good to identify with many of you people, but then it often wells up my own pain–oh well, I guess we cannot have the good without the bad.

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Andy2112 11/30/2012 - 11:12 am

*than

Amakua2309 11/30/2012 - 11:34 am

Hey Andy….thank you….will comment more later…but I am freaking about that woman’s kids right at the moment…even though there is nothing for me to do really. But I have to get ready for my date in about half an hour…he’s 1 and has dimples…hehehe Love to catch up with you later tho

Ama

Andy2112 11/30/2012 - 12:18 pm

I was freaking out about that woman also, but I was unable to comment on her post for total loss of words. I mean what do I say? No, no, no, don’t do that? She knows already not to do it, so if she does it she just cannot help herself. Someone needs to be there offline but I am not the person to report, I must leave that to others, for I do not want to make things worse, and sometimes reporting people and sending cops to their residence makes matters worse. This can be a very scary site. Anyway, enjoy your date, Ama, and have a great day!

Andy

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