December 21, 2012.

Honestly, I don’t think the world will end on 12/21/2012. But if it does, that’s cool too.

I will turn 21 on December 20th. Finally. I can’t imagine anybody being able to fathom how excited I am for my 21st birthday (25 days!). But as far as my future goes it’s the only thing I’m excited about, sadly. I’ll graduate college in May, but I since I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do after that I’m not excited about it. I don’t know where I’ll be and I don’t know what I’ll be doing. It’s both liberating and terrifying.

I like my life, overall. I’m generally happy most of the time. But I have demons. Big ones. And they like to rear their ugly heads at the worst of times. I know I’m better off than many others my age, and I’m thankful. But everyday I dislike myself a bit more. There are some days that I flat out hate myself. For things I’ve done, for who I am. Sometimes I have to force myself not to crawl back into bed when I get home from class. I’ve been so broken in the past that it’s taken all my strength to build the relationships I have. They are fragile and I know it. I love my friends so much, and most of the time I don’t think they realize how important they are to me. They are the reason I get up in the morning. Losing them means losing myself.

Since December 20th is my 21st birthday, I’m obviously going to be drunk. More than likely blacked out – my friends will see to that. And if the world ends the next day, that would be fine with me. Why? Because it would save me the trouble of ending my own life.

I plan on having a fantastic birthday, and really, what better way to go? Nobody knows I feel this way. The biggest wall between me and suicide is letting down those who I love. Because I do love them – enough to hope that they never have to know me this way. Like I said in the beginning, I don’t think the world will end on December 21st. But a not-so-small part of me hopes it will.