feeling

I have suddenly become so incredibly numb and exhausted. I want to scream and cry, but I just can’t. I just want to feel something real, I’m so tired of apathy and exhaustion.
In an attempt to feel something, I just started attacking my thigh with a small blade. I find it quite beautiful, the way to begin with there’s just a dent in the skin, but then it gradually rises before drops of blood begin to surface. My thigh is now covered in short cuts and I like the messy zigzagging. It’s the only way I can think to represent how I feel. I didn’t feel anything at first, but now it’s all sore and every now and then the cuts start to sting. I like that. When it hurts I feel slightly more real.
Still, it didn’t help much and I still can’t make myself feel anything real. I just want to get past whatever it is that’s making me feel so empty and unreal. I don’t want numbness, I want pain and screaming and anger. I just want to feel and I’m running out of safe ways to make myself feel alive without doing dangerous things. I will not stop until I no longer feel dead and empty.