Goodbye, a letter to those I leave behind.

Dear Mum,

If you find this, damn your lucky. You probably don’t even know this site exists, and now I’m writing on it.

When I said I wasn’t bothered about not being with him anymore, I lied. I cried myself to sleep every night and continue to do so until this day even thou its so far on. I’m forced to see his face everyday, he’s befriended my enemy, and when I say I don’t like that girl, I mean she wrecked everything, she found out my darkest secrets, twisted them to make them ten times worse and exposed them to everyone. Now I see them everyday, laughing, together, he promised he’d never kiss her, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already fucked her more times than Michael Jacksons had surgery. Over me, over themselves, moving on, then theres just me. By myself, with no hope and no a single fucking chance left. I hated seeing other people, and I came to you, I laughed with you and you even mentioned how close we were getting, then you started pushing me away, saying I had to grow up and suddenly I had nothing again, I tried to do you proud but only managed to fuck it up and make myself a disappointment.

If you have the mind to read on, ask my last friend to lead you to the book. She’ll know what I mean. Its where everything else and all the other questions will be answered, this is just a tiny intro to a very long story.

Love for this life and many more, your daughter.

Dear Pennyeth,

You were the best friend  I could ask for and I can’t apologise enough for leaving all those good times behind. Can I put my chest in your nuts, then the shopping trip fed 263 people, ronronner, all those personal jokes we have, they will live on, you know that video we watched today? About how its possible to meet people from this life in others, well I hope I end up being a man and I fucking marry you because, honestly, I love you. I really do. You put up with me when I sobbed into a pillow, sat on a wall in silence or grabbed a knife and started ranting, you stayed, you helped and you never gave up on me. Now I’m giving up on myself and you deserve a friend better than me. I would love to keep writing, but there isn’t much else to say, I’ve  said now much you mean to me in life, I never keep my emotions hidden. Before I go, promise me one thing, never end up like me, men are stupid and selfish, they cheat and lie and aren’t worth crying over. If a man leaves you, it was for a reason, something better along the way. One last thing; These are your good years, so take my advice…you know the rest.

Lots of love, Lileth, and I did not run to that chicken.

Dear ball sack face,

You were perfect, I mean it, that day so long ago in early high school when you came in with your long greasy brown hair, skinny figure and big brown eyes, it really was love at first sight. You called me the pensioner because I was the oldest in the class, then tigger because of my real name, and id call you the tranny because of your long hair and girlish figure. When you told me those things months later…I only appear in your dreams as an angel…well, I swear you were the one for me, those early nervous days in the dark winters when you’d walk all that way just to see me, how we got to know each other, those little arguments where we couldn’t stay mad for long. I loved you, not the sloppy 2 week relationship ‘I love you’ the, ‘I love you and I will never let you go’ type. Then after so long, so much happiness, then you, you changed became another person, an attention seeker, a failing clown, then worst of all, a lier. I knew that story was bullshit the moment it came from your lips. Thats what ended it all, that one lie and the words which followed. It made me thing you had never loved me, I was just a sick little game to pass the time, and I still believe that. Wouldn’t surprise me if  I was one of 50 in those final weeks, but not at the start, at the start you were mine, my starry eyed quite boy would could never quiet get his words out, not a loudmouthed man whore. Then you make it hard for me, this new cruel you who’s main pass time was making my life hell, rubbing it in how happy you were and how hard I was finding it, then telling me you hate me. Well done, I applaud you, you’ve driven me to the edge and I hate you, but I hate me more. Happy now?

Lots of love, as in the love you felt for me, fake and only there because it has to be, that ex.

Dear Josh,

Now your probably wondering why I’m including you in this list of notes, my mother, my best friend and my ex, then you, the one I rarely speak to. But let me explain, remember this day?

I was sat on the wall outside and you approached me, eyeing the cuts on my arms and hands which you had mentioned earlier, you came and asked me if I was okay. I was surprised, yes, we rarely spoke only when are paths were forced together, yet here you were telling me it would all be okay and if I ever need to speak he was always there, then every time you saw me after that you’d ask how I was and we’d share a laugh and a joke and you’d tell me that it was getting better, I have to admit it wasn’t improving, I was just getting more skilled at hiding it. Buts its the little things like that which stick, the kind acts by those who don’t need to be involved off your own back. You are a good person, an actually one, the ones they read in books, someone who actually does things for no personal gain, and I admire you for that, and I wanted to tell you that.

Best wishes.

Dear my teapot,

I don’t speak to you much anymore and I miss the days we were close, out paths were pulled apart and I’m truly sorry for that. But this is to thank you also for that day on the wall, shortly after Josh left, that bastard went past, you looked at me, you looked at my tears as I sat with Pen, you pulled your umbrella out, and you smacked that dick straight on the back of the head with it. Your fucking amazing, y’know that? Not much, but thank you.

Love, I did not fucking run for that chicken. Or sniff it.

Dear the team on the suicide project,

thank you for trying you best with me, but its really to late now. I know this is just a single line, but thank you for saving others, even if you couldn’t save me.

I love you all. All.