I cannot believe I’ve gotten to this point.

I think about it every night before falling asleep. You know, that time when you are supposed to be winding down, lying in your bed in the darkness with nothing but your over active brain that won’t shut up to keep you company. Sifting through memories that you long to experience over again. Feelings you’ve felt, decisions you wish you could alter.

I’m going to end it.

I was spoiled growing up. I have an older brother and a younger sister, so that makes me the middle child and the second boy. I was created for the sole purpose to give my brother someone to play with whilst growing up. I am intelligent, but lack willpower, motive and courage. Throughout elementary and middle school I was always known as one of the “smart kids”. One of the kids who got straight A’s, finished tests and quizzes first. But then I hit high school. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be known. So I started lying.

I have lied so many times about so many things I had even convinced myself I the stories I conjured up were true. The worst part is, it worked. I became popular. I had too many friends to know what to do with. My entire highschool career was the best time of my life, because literally EVERYONE knew who I was. I was labeled as a “man-whore” and lets face it, in highschool, being a man-whore is on par with a king. I was funny, smart, witty and of course, I made fun of the less fortunate. Those who were ugly, unpopular, dressed funny, looked funny, smelled strange and those who didn’t realize lying was the key to stardom. I had a new girlfriend every month, teachers loved me because I could hold intelligent conversations, hell, I even sold some of my shirts and jackets because people literally wanted to be me.

Then college came. August 2008. I fucked up too much in HS, pretending to go to parties and raves, saying I did all these cool things, when in reality all I did was stay home and play video games night after night. Just more lies. So I ended up going to a community college near my home. But of course, a lot of my graduating class also went to the same community college, so my reputation followed me. I made new friends at college, but they soon learned about how “cool” I was, about how I was a man-whore and raved and partied a lot. There was no escaping it. I Wanted to use college as a way to start over, to make new friends and not have to lie anymore. But it didn’t work. I was soon overwhelmed with depression. I stopped going to classes and soon got kicked out.

Met a girl in college who I ended up dating in 2010. The only love of my life. My now ex-fiancee’. We were together nearly a year when I proposed, for I was enlisting in the USAF to get a fresh start. We had everything planned. We were to be married, so she could live with me wherever I got sent for tech school. We picked out the names of the children we would be having together. We fit so well together. We were both gamers, loved the same kind of music, amazing sex, just everything was great. But I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle basic training, because I am a coward. I created another lie to get sent home from basic, ruining my future int he process. I was at a loss. I couldn’t believe I decimated my future because I am so flawed, because I lack courage. So I ended up making more mistakes. For some stupid reason, I got a thrill from being wanted. One thing lead to another and my fiancee’s had found pictures of a chic who lived in another state on my email. The chic wasn’t naked, but it didn’t matter. She felt betrayed. I thought I lost her. So I did the worst possible thing I could ever do. I went and hung out with an old Highschool friend of mine and ended up making out with her. That chic told my ex because she felt guilty and then she left me. My fiancee’s left me because she said she’d never be able to trust me again. Perfectly logical. It was my own fault. I had the perfect future set up for us and I blew it, demolished one dream after the next.

I’ve spent the better part of the last two years trying to get over my ex-fiancee’. I’ve tried everything from attempting to date again, to just finding a friends with benefits. To trying alcohol and drugs. Nothing works. I think about her every single night. And here I am now, on the eve of being flown out to PA for job training, a new job that would probably get me out of the massive amount of debt I am in, and I can’t do it. I am so scared, anxiety is killing me. The people around me scare me, I always think their judging me, I can’t even leave my house. I’m sitting here now, reading letters my ex-fiancee’ wrote me while I Was in basic, looking at pictures she gave me, holding a pistol my brother gave me as a groomsmens gift at his wedding, thinking “its only one trigger pull away”.

I’ve tried seeing therapists, but they always spew the same crap. I literally can guess what their going to say before they say it. It’s embarrassing, really. For them. There are so many details from this story that I Am missing, but my mind is a mess. This loaded pistol is feeling lighter and lighter as the hours pass by and I can only take comfort in the fact that the last thing Ill ever see is a picture of the one woman I’ve truly loved.

I am 22 years old. I am male. I had it all, was set up from the beginning for success. But my own selfish decisions annihilated any hope I have of redemption. I don’t deserve to be here.