Between all the shitty luck of my life, I’m pretty sure happiness only finds me to remind me how much it hurts to have it ripped away.
I’m so stupid, so naive.
I fell in love with a guy, shocker, I know – someone wants to die because of relationship problems? Well anyway, I fell for this guy immediately… he fell for me too, his life was in shambles – custody battle with the ex, being sued by multiple people for a traffic accident – on the verge of losing his house.
But when we were together, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. We decided to have me move in, he couldn’t bear to be away from me, so in I went. Played the good little wifey, cooked and cleaned and helped him care for his child as if they were my own(without trying to step on mom’s toes).
Things started deteriorating very quickly, he wasn’t appreciative of anything anymore – he started getting mean. I got quieter. My world became all about helping him through this tough time, keeping him as happy as possible, just trying to help him find the bright side.
He started acting a little suspicious then suddenly asked me to leave, to go for a few days – luckily I still have my apartment for another month. A little time turned into him freaking out, he started talking about having me just move in as a friend… claims he doesn’t know what he thinks and feels, that his head is all over the place.
It’s been 5 days now, he has barely spoken to (or should I say texted) me… I had a few ripe moments of my own little freaking out, mostly because I’m in the dark on what’s going on with him… he’s been suicidal..er..this whole time.. the only thing that kept him from ‘offing’ himself initially was how happy I made him. Now he’s pushed me away and all I get is the occasional message that lets me know he’s definitely not doing alright.
I’ve tried SO hard to be strong for him, but jesus, I’m not. I’m not doing okay myself.
Going in for an abortion tomorrow (if you wanna leave a nasty comment about how I’m awful for disregarding the sanctity of life, I’d like to remind you that you’re on a suicide site. You don’t know me, my life or how this is for me; so if you feel like commenting on that, please first go fuck yourself)
I don’t know how I’m going to feel afterwards. I know the only reasons I’ve had for not -er- causing myself great bodily harm was that I was afraid of the doctors seeing cuts might not go through with the procedure and then other than that, I’ve been afraid of his kid seeing it. I don’t want to hurt him or his child, but I don’t know if I have anything worth living for anymore. I’m a little afraid that after the procedure tomorrow he’ll just drop me back off at the apartment all alone in this weird limbo he’s left me in. I’m off for days and days, I could do it. Nobody would find my body for a while.
I keep vomiting bile and blood. I can’t eat, drink or sleep. I’m about as stressed out, terrified and vulnerable as I’ve ever been… and I’m all alone.
There’s something about me, something that gets these guys to immediately fall madly in love with me – like they’ve never loved before, never connected like this before… then something suddenly makes them stop. They just suddenly realize they never loved me, they realize they were using me, they just want to be friends or that they want to go back to old ways – whatever it is, I am never apparently enough. Giving my all is never good enough.
This is especially crushing, even though it hasn’t officially ended yet, that’s because he’s been avoiding and ignoring me for the better part of a week.. this is especially crushing because this started out SO promising. The only 50/50 relationship I’d ever had, a connection so strong.
ugh. I just don’t want this. I was in the middle of a drastic change when there was a double-change, flipped my world upside down, now I can’t make sense of anything.
What’s to stop me? What hope is there?
it’s all ruined… I can feel it coming. I don’t mean to make the worst-case scenario manifest itself, but I don’t see how it’ll get better.
5 comments
Hey SickToMyStomach
Is this your first post? First time here? If so…you are very welcome.
First nosy question…hahaha….did his downward spiral happen about the time you found out about the pregnancy?
I was in a similiar situation just last year…too old for babies tho…thank God…I borrow them…don’t need another of my own eh? But my partner and I played this on again off again shite for almost 10 years. He would get depressed and start thinking stoopid…and he was leaving…throwing my ass out…whatever. Turns out I am more stubborn than he is…hahaha. I just kept letting him go. We have not lived together for over a year now…and it was a few months later that we started our new relationship. We are together when we can be…and when we can’t…we don’t. Took the pressure off him. Actually just before Xmas last year he told me he was going home to die…first time he has said anything like that…and then disappeared for a while.
As for the procedure…mind if I call it that?…sigh…I am pro life…but pro choice. As such I am making no judgements on that issue…but am here to talk if you would like. There are not too many subjects that I am uncomfortable about talking about…it has been a long life.
Here if you want to talk…or someone to listen…as are all the rest.
Peace
Amakua
Hi Amakua,
It’s actually not my first time here, but for some reason I couldn’t retrieve my password info on my original account.. it would say they’d emailed me my password and then nothing. So I figured it would be better to have a username that’s a bit more incognito given all the circumstances in this situation.
I definitely remember you, you’re very nice and I believe you’ve helped me before. If it helps make me memorable, I was posting a number of months back after being raped by my neighbor. Sheesh, 2012 has been the absolute worst year of my life – maybe that’s why the Mayans thought the world was going to end this year, everyone I know has seemed to have 2012 be their worst year so far.
I can understand being both pro life and pro choice, it’s honestly a terrible decision to have to make, you don’t know how you feel about it until you’re there. Thanks for not judging.
The problems didn’t specifically start when we found out about the pregnancy, but it’s tough to gauge since I got pregnant like RIGHT away. Horrible luck and timing.
An hour and 15 min till he picks me up to take me in for the procedure. It’ll be the first time he’ll be even looking at me since last Saturday night.
woke up at 6 AM with the dry heaves, eventually got some blood and foam out and felt a little better.
I’m nervous, terrified, alone and broken-eyed like some kind of damaged little thing. I don’t know what today will be like… all I know is life keeps upping the ante, it manages to get worse and put me in increasingly difficult situations to deal with.
Hey SickToMyStomach,
We really need to work on your user name eh?…lol What was your user name before or has it always been the same? I am old eh? haha
Yup…it’s a beggar of a year so far…but it’s almost over…and I for one am looking towards a new start next year…always the optimist eh? Although I am not judging…don’t have any room to judge most people…I wouldn’t trade places with you right now…sorry. It is a tough decision…and you are a very brave young woman. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to comment before you left…got tied up with my other life…or was it the other one? jk…but the little one is down for his nap…and not scheduled to wake up until just before his mom gets here…so I thought I would take this opportunity to check up on ya. Again…sorry I got lost.
If I could…I would be there to hold your hand…it wouldn’t be the first time I have done so…I took my oldest daughter…against my choice…but then it would have become my first grandchild. She has to make her decisions…and so do you…just sorry it is so hard.
This is not the time to worry about any relationship though…this is time to take care of you. I hope to catch up with you later…the rest will wait eh?
Sending a prayer out to the Universal Consciousness
Be safe, be strong
Love Ama
Ama, you are very kind, I would have liked a hand to hold. It was not a pleasant experience, though some of the people were nice.
Well, I am home now..It was a bit late when the time came to pick me up, I don’t know if it was because he didn’t want me to be alone or just because he needed to pick up his son but he invited me to stay at the house and we went straight from the clinic to pick up his kid.
Then he wound up having me stay and watch him all weekend – had fun and was awesome to his son while remaining sweet, cautious and supportive to him. Honest, though – I voiced my suspicions as they arose (I’m still suspicious, though, there’s some redhead he’s been texting all weekend – he didn’t say much about her, just that she’s a co-worker)
We didn’t really talk about ‘things’ much, though – he says he still needs time.
In a way, even if he was 100% taking advantage of me, it was kind of good – babysitting a 6 year old is a decent distraction from the urge to mutilate myself. I still did, today I finally broke down and snuck off to the bathroom periodically throughout the day to cut my leg a bit and cry as needed.
More suspicious circumstances arose and he took me home. I joked about wanting to sleep on the railroad tracks on the drive home and kept myself from crying. I also asked him if I had done something wrong, he said “no, not at all” and left that alone. He hugged me goodbye a few times and on the final hug I said “I miss you” and he knew what I meant. He said, “I miss you too.. I just need time to myself to figure things out”.
I really don’t believe him, but maybe he’s legit and I’m only seeing things from a paranoid perspective.
I know I shouldn’t be worried about the relationship jazz, but I am. I can’t help it. Hopefully now that I am home again I will let go a bit.
Hey SickToMyStomach
Was sorta keeping an eye out for your return…glad you’re OK…sorry you’re not better. I would have been there to hold your hand if I could…who knows…maybe I could…but soooo little notice…sigh.
Did your bf know you were suicidal and a self-abuser before you moved in? Did he mistakenly think you were gonna save him and make his life better? Seems a little weird…but what if you were merely a distraction from his own issues…and then you became an issue…referring to “getting caught” at the very beginning…and perhaps that added bit of responsibility is more than he can deal with. I dunno…but if I was a betting woman…I would say that your life will proceed much better without him. It sounds like he is looking for someone to take care of him and his…but with no strings attached.
Do you live in a small town? Are there no other dating prospects? Besides…if you want to get his attention…pretend that you are moving on with your life…perhaps be seen to be dating again. If he really cares for you…that will bring him around like nothing else will. And if he is indifferent or angry…you’ll know to keep moving on.
I’m sorry that you are going through this…do you have family you can count on for support? Friends? Although this site is great…it doesn’t give us physical proximity to each other like in “real” life…otherwise I would have been there for you…understand? Strange question….are you angry? And I don’t mean at me.
If your perspective is paranoid…I say there is usually a good reason for it…either he really is being deceptive…or you are schizo…hahaha…I will go with the deceptive one eh? Sorry I missed you last night…but my eyes wouldn’t stay open a second longer. I hope you slept well last night…and perhaps I’ll see you around later?
Lots of Love to You
Ama