I hate the term ‘to help’

I hate the term ‘to help’ because it means that you have a problem to be fixed in the first place.

I am a teenager and have already been through more than most people can even imagine. My biological father left when I was a baby and is in and out of jail. I haven’t met him, nor do I want to, but that event in my life is still a part of who I am today so it was worth mentioning. When I was young (2-5) I was physically abused by my stepfather at the time (also my little brother’s dad). I have two half brothers that I used to live with, but now the younger one is living with his dad and the older one is 18 and is rarely home. I live with my stepdad now (who’s great, but not the same as a bio-dad). When I was 7, my best friend’s dad molested me and I kept going to visit her dad’s house because it was the only time I was able to see her outside of school and I couldn’t stand to lose a friend like her (we’re no longer friends). In fifth grade one of my close friends, Mathew, died in a fire. I have a broken family and feel I am trapped in my own house. I can’t talk to my mom about anything for several reasons, one being that she didn’t protect me when she witnessed me being physically abused, so there is a lack of trust. Another is that every time I try to tell her about something personal she finds a way to blame me for something or argue with my opinion. She feels like she can not walk away from an argument until she has won, and she makes promises that she doesn’t keep. I have walls built up because of my past, but I’m a social person so I come off to others as a ***** and rude because I’m scared of getting hurt anymore. Two years ago I fell in love with my best fiend , and now I barely talk to him because he found someone else that is easily better than me. I feel so useless because I think that I complain about my problems to my close friends too much and that I am a burden to them. There are so many things that I do that don’t have anything to do with other people but they always find a way to say that those decisions I make are selfish or because I do this one thing for myself I hate my relatives when really I’m just trying to get a break from all of this crap. My grades have been dropping lately because the depression just keeps getting worse and nobody sees it because I don’t show it to relatives, or in public.  I don’t know what to do anymore but I can’t commit to suicide because I am terrified of death. There is so much more, but I feel that this piece of text is already a large one so I will stop now. Please help.