I got married nearly 21 years ago to a man I thought would never do this to me. Â But now, he’s cheated on me, for a year, with someone he picked up online for casual sex. Â He says he’s never loved me, or he only loved me for two years, or he loves me but not like a wife. He tells me he’s been miserable for five years, no ten years, no fifteen years, no eighteen years. Â We “celebrated” our 20th anniversary, and he said he “even enjoyed some of the experiences” but this was before I knew about her.
I was sexually abused as a kid. Â He didn’t know – I couldn’t tell him. Â It was humiliating. Â When I found out about the affair, I broke – I told him. Â He told her. Â He went back to her. Â She sent me e-files with their emails, their details, photos of him. Â I broke again, and I started to cut myself. Â He tried to stop me – I hit him. Â I broke things he loved, and kept hitting him – I felt dead. Â Then, I had a flashback, and hurt him badly.
He hates me. Â I hate myself. Â I can’t forgive myself. Â I want to die. Â I have the means. Â I have no children, no other family. Â When we are done, I’m alone. Â I have no decent job, no way to support myself, regardless of too much education. Â I gave all that up for him – the career, the family, all.
If I take all the atavan, all the clonodine, all the atenolol I have, will I die easily? Â Will I just go to sleep and now wake up?
4 comments
To pinkvtina,
He is a jerk. The fact that he was with you for over 20 years and didn’t even tell you how he felt before he had an affair makes me cross. I wouldn’t like to think what you be going through. You didnt do anything wrong. If you did he would have left you before. You shouldn’t hate yourself. That is last thing to be feeling.
If you really want to go you need to think about all your options. You can only die once, there is no turning back after. Even if is a little thing that will stop you, you need to try it. You may be lonely now but you could easily pump into someone that will make you feel better, feel whole.
I hope this helps more than hurt,
Isabella
Thank you, Isabella. I’m thinking. I’m on anti-depressants, seeing a therapist. The pain between all of it is just so much.
I hate myself for hurting him, for physically hurting him. I wish I hadn’t been abused, I wish I hadn’t been ruined. I wish I could be what he needs.
wow, i feel like this post was written by me , so close to going through the exact same thing with very similar situations except i was married for 11 years, right now im not sure if i want to end it or not, my pain over my husbands betrayal is 7 months old, my fear is what if this pain never goes away? what if i never start feeling anything again? and my biggest question is why? i have no one either i have an adult daughter but she is never around, i have no one, todays Thanksgiving and i sit here alone, with nobody and nothing, i lost my home , my belongings, my sanity, myself everything over my assholes betrayal, im living in a house with 6 room mates (never home or home too much) because i cant get it together to get myself together to get on my own again, im too old for this shit, too old to start over, and too emotionally tired to give a damn anymore about me about anyone else, coffee and cigs pretty much get me through the day thats about the highlight of my life, i had someone tell me though i havent tried it yet, but to perhaps heal some of the pain take a hot bath and cry let the teardrops fall into the water and then take a glass fill it with the tear water and throw it away and dont look back at it dont turn around and even look at it, i wish i could throw him away like he threw me away , i definately have a constant 50/50 feeling between homicide and suicide, do i want him dead? oh yeah, would i kill him probably not or her, but hate oh i hate them both with every fiber of my being for destroying my life and the life i thought i had with my husband, i still wake up with cold sweats every night from the nightmares of him and her together, i either need to do something to improve my own life and say fuck it to both of them or i need to just end it, ending my life would definately make them both happy, and their happiness at this point is definately NOT my #1 objective, i sincerely hope this lets you know in some fucked up way you are not alone at all, and even though my asshole is a liar a cheater and all around son of a ***** that doesnt mean every man out there is, it also doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or with me its those dumb ass motherfuckers that have the issue and you can pretty much rest assured what comes around goes around, because our misery right now will eventually be theirs!
I’m so sorry for your pain, too, leavinitallbehindme. I wish I could hate him – I can’t. I love him too much to hate him. He’s messed up, I’m messed up, the woman he was with is batshit crazy, certifiable. But now, I think I am, too. God, I just don’t know what to do.
He tells me he couldn’t tell me what he felt, that he doesn’t know what he felt…
You can do this. I can probably do this, too – it’s just, I’m 50, almost 51, and so tired, so very tired.