I’d go to lengths to make people happy.

The reason my sleeping fucked up in the first place is because I’d spend countless nights awake, convincing my friend not to cut her arms, or take too many pills. I never wanted to wake my mum, brother and sister, so I’d hang out of my window to keep it quiet, this didn’t help the fact that the conversations with her were extremely triggering, and I’m already suicidal, and sitting in an open window. bad idea, right?

I skyped with strangers, making sure they were okay, friends from my area would tell me whats wrong, and I’d rush to their house to make sure they were okay. I did that again, tonight. My friend was saying how she was going to make herself throw up, and how she was in hysterics, just crying and crying, it didn’t help that earlier this evening, her boyfriend, whom she loved, broke it off with her. We went round to my other friends house, and both took her mind off it.

It’s sad how nobody has ever done that for me, I’ve lost the feeling I get when I help others. I used to praise myself, and feel better knowing they were okay. Now I quite dislike the majority of people in my area, I don’t talk to people outside of my group, I  don’t like to leave my house, unless it’s extremely important that I do, like I did tonight.

It’s difficult, knowing nobody can help. I’ve had multiple therapists, all of which have, excuse my french, fucked off without a phone call, because I had missed a session due to my bi-polar father, whom is constantly prying for my sympathy.

When is it my turn?