I’ve been a member of this site for 2 days. When i posted my story of getting better, i thought it was a basic read kinda site. I didn’t know this was an ongoing support system. I’m so glad it is, i feel like i’ve stumbled upon a place where i’m not so alone. I’m 17, soon to be 18. I want to be a psychologist, so i can help others in pain. When i see posts on here of those feeling hopeless, all i wanna do is help, find a way to save their life. I still get suicidal thoughts myself. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since i was 11. I’ve been a cutter off and on since age 13. I haven’t cut in 7 months…but i plan to start again tomorrow. None of my friends have called or texted in weeks, and they ignore my attempts at communication. I only get talked to in person…that is, if i’m the only other person around. I miss my blades, my cuts, the blood. And while my cutting isn’t an attempt at suicide, i wouldn’t mind if it did kill me. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like my encouraging comments on here are wrong, not because they’re lies, but because everything i say to all of you, i’m not believing for my own life. How can i be a psychologist and professionally help others while i hide my cuts, my own form of therapy, under my sleeves? I suck at being a friend, daughter, sister, niece, grandaughter, and now i suck at being an encourager. I’m sorry for being a hypocrite and trying to save you all when i’ve given up on myself. I won’t stop trying to help you all, because you all deserve it. But i don’t think i deserve the same. Because as i try to become a better person, i only become a worse person.
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Of course you deserve the same support you want to give. And in anyway possible, I want to give it to you. Becoming a better person is difficult, and not always something one can achieve on their own. But even if you feel like you’re taking one step forward for every two steps back, at least you’re moving somewhere.