Just don’t know the words for it

I have friends . Family ect . I had a rough child hood but it made me the strong person I am today . I can handle abuse , problems, conflict . Or at least on the surface . I smoke about an eigth a day of weed to mello out and drink when I can’t smoke . I use to use other drugs till I realized I was only letting “them” win by making myself look like the dirtbag they made me sound like . So I stick to my pot and alcohol although I have a struggle everyday. I feel like I dot have a right to complain about my life or even say I want to take it because of the lives that are worse then mine . Then it beingse to the thought of just because someone else’s live is worse then mine doesn’t mean mine doesn’t Hurt. I’m always trying to escape , at one point I wads prying cone between period, you may call my a dirtbag or druggie but I was just looking for love and the drug did the trick. The pint of the story is threw all the pain and hurt and suffering I decided to stay away from hardcore shit and scuicide not because I feel any better about my situation but because I refuse to let the people who have hurt m win, I will have my chance at happiness and although it won’t be for a little while I can wait . Like is a gift guys , although it might not seem that way now. My goal is to keep living and trying so I can make a difference and one day have kids of my own that I will love unconditionally and make sure they don’t feel te pain or know the hurt I went threw . Take yur suffering and turn it into something postivite otherwise all you’ll see is darkness and your only punishing your self for something you didn’t do nor deserve . No one deserves to feel anything less then a blessing . I’m 17 and refuse to give up on myself just because my family has . If anyone needs someone to talk to , even if you don’t want to talk about how your feeling right away , just to have a conversation with someone who isn’t judgmental message me, my bad for the spell check lol