So I’ve struggled with depression for years now. I’d say since I was about 13-14. Middle school was when I first contemplated suicide & it was after my very first boyfriend broke up with me. We didn’t date very long & things never got past first base. I’ve always been an emotional person, letting things get to me that shouldn’t.
Well over the years I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends (back to back really), and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve realized I may have developed some co-dependency issues from the lack of knowing how to be alone. And to this day, guys seem to provide me with the greatest sense of happiness and contentment.
My first really long relationship lasted a year with the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 16 I believe. I think I tried breaking it off with him, then he introduced me to cutting. He didn’t want to break up, so he ended up slicing his arm a few times. Well, he eventually ended things with me, then I began cutting. I regret it to this day because I used a dirty razor blade from a hair cutting razor. The scars on my arms still haunt me. Every now and then when I feel extremely hopeless, I go back and cut again, but now I slather on antibiotic cream afterwards so I don’t have to stare at the scars later on. Just the feeling of slicin my skin open provides an odd sense of comfort.
It’s been 8 years since I first cut. When I first did it, I was scared but hopeful that it’d be an easy way to go. But something inside me stopped me from having the courage to make that deep cut that would cause me to bleed out. I’d slice and slice at my veins until I couldn’t feel it anymore, but it was never a good enough cut.
Nowadays I’ve been feeling down, and of course it’s because of guys. My boyfriend of 4.5 years dumped me last August, which broke my heart, but we never stopped sleeping together. In July I met a guy who’s 5 years younger than me & we have gotten really close.
The only problem is that this new guy is trying to become a Marine. He’s in bootcamp now. Before he left, he let me know that we don’t know what the future holds, so maybe what I want (a relationship) can happen eventually. I’ve been writing him a letter every single day since he left. We started acting like bf/gf, I’ve met his family (he’s never brought a girl home), he wrote that he misses me, we have such a good time together & get along so well…but I’m having trouble determining whether I should really stick around and see what happens. I just figure if he wants me, he’d ask me out. But he’s such a considerate guy that he let me know that his reason is because it’s not fair to either of us.
I’m just having trouble because I really started liking this guy…I even think I’m falling in love with him. But life has served me another challenge & I’m debating whether I can mentally take the long-distance and lack of physical contact once he is deployed. It just makes me sad & feel sorry for myself because I always have guys chasing after me, but I can’t seem to be able to have the ones I really want!
I guess I’m just selfish. Or maybe I just feel like I’m getting old and want to find that fairy tale ending. Either way, those stupid suicidal thoughts are creeping back into my brain. I want to fight for him because I don’t believe I should give up if it’s something I really want. But I don’t want to waste my time trying to reel in this guy if it’s just going to blow up in my face..
Ive never posted anything like this online & this website seems like a great source for support with people “like me.” Family & friends don’t understand and get tired of hearing my emotional outbursts so I thought this would be a good place to share. 🙂
3 comments
I will let you know that most of the girls on here can hear your pain about guys; they aren’t fair to us and it really sucks because we put our best to them. From what I read, this guy is SUPER important to you and I will tell you this; everyone holds on to the great things in life because we don’t know if we’ll ever get them again. That quote has affected me quite recently and I hope you see the meaning in it aswell. You talk about how much you LOVE this guy and how he LOVES you, so do not -repeat: DO NOT- let that go. Life might have dealed you shome sh!tty cards in the past and recent present, but right now it looks really good, it might be testing you to see if you want this badly enough that you’ll be willing to go on a risk for it. Don’t feel sorry for yourself any longer; try to make that a number one rule because everyone here has had the suicidal taunts, but we have all kept living because we know that there is something out there that is worth living for, and I bet that this is YOUR moment to keep living. It’s going to be tough that he’s going to be gone or be long distanced, but that’s the thrill of love; you’ll get to see him again, you get to read his letters where he talks about you, about how much he misses you and loves you and how he’s thankful for having you there for him in this time of struggle because war is going to be brutal on him. And when he comes home and he sees you, you’re going to laugh and cry and make him promise you to never you let go, to never leave you. This is your chance; ignore the taunts and don’t even think about any consequences; 20 seconds of bravery and you’ll live the most amazing life. Good luck to you, and tell me if those deck of cards turn in your favor.
-TR
I’ve heard cutting makes you feel better. I’ve often longed to blow my brains out but have never had the urge to cut my forearm.
That quote is so true! I constantly struggle with my brain fighting with my heart because I know myself the best and know that my brain tells me the distance & lack of physical contact will feel like the end of the world, but on the other hand my heart knows that he has made me the happiest I’ve felt in awhile and don’t want to risk losing that.
I’ve even had my ex-boyfriend (who dumped me a lil over a year ago) tell me that if it’s something I really want, don’t let him go.
This new guy has only been gone for 19 days & I’ve only just started feeling crappy. Usually I would have broken down the day after he left & cry everyday. But the feelings of helplessness and feeling bad for myself have started to creep in. I’m going to try my best to push those feelings aside because we truly only have one life to live.
I’ve visited this website a few times before but never had the courage to get my story out there. I’m grateful for posting on here now because your comment has lifted my spirits in so many ways. Thank you for that!
I am going to continue to write him and hope for the best. I will definitely let you know if things go the way I want. 🙂