I have fought severe depression and schizophrenia for a number of years. I go through bad times and then I can suffer through hell for months to a year or so at a time. As I write this I am in a downer period, voices constantly abuse me and tell me to kill myself and hallucinations frighten the absolute shit out of me to the point where I am screaming for help and crying my eyes out. I have had a number of suicide attempts but have been interrupted because of being on constant suicide watch. I did however have 2 very close attempts, on one occasion I hung myself with a power lead on my hospital bed but was resuscitated and on the second attempt I managed to steal a pocket knife and went into the toilets and slashed my main artery in my left arm, I was unconscious in about 30 seconds and lost just over 3 litres of blood, a nurse found me and tourniqued my arm right up next to my armpit. I woke up in intensive care the next day. That was the closest I have come to my own attempt at taking my life.
I have been feeling extremely suicidal again for about 4 months but this time I haven’t yet been involuntary admitted to hospital. I know I want to and that ultimately I will succeed. The only thing that stops me is the thought that my young children (3 and 5) will be the ones to suffer most. I purposely try and push my wife away which is horrible but that is what stupid voices in my head keep telling me to do so that I can be alone with them. Life is fucked up, I hate myself, I hate my head I hate crying all the fucking time. I hold on for my kids but I am tired, I feel weak but strong enough to take my life…decisions decisions!
I have written this in a time of being coherent, as things progress I generally enter a state of psychosis and that is when I am a very real danger to myself and to others. I have never hurt anyone and that is one thing that scares me to the point of wanting to take my life, I am a gentle man but once I lose control, i have no memory of what happens. I thinks thats enough from me, this is the first time I have shared this with strangers…
5 comments
first i want to thank you for this post. my father sufferd the same condition,i remember visiting him in hospital,knowing something was wrong but not understanding. he was my world and i loved him. one day when he was seemingly fine,he took himself to work and threw himself from the cooling tower. my world was broken. i was young and did not understand for years all i felt was rage that he had abandoned me. Thank you for the insight of how hard it is to live with those demons. please keep strong. no matter how bad things are you are someones world and you are loved verry much
That is an unbelievably tough battle to fight Insufficient. Schizophrenia is a brutal disorder, and I can only give you respect for hanging on this long. Thanks for being vulnerable and willing to share that; it’s as good for you as it is for other people. Do you feel medication has been sufficient at all in reducing your symptoms?
Well done for being so strong!I can’t imagine the pain you are suffering! Keep up the good work and keep battling on for your children! It’s apparent that you appreciate how difficult it is to grow up without a father. Obviously your condition is serious and to fight it alone with the help of professionals will only make it more difficult on yourself. Even if they remedy the pain and suffering slightly, it is still a positive.
The suffering you are experiencing you communicate exquisitely. I am so terribly sorry that you suffer so.
Are you able to “talk back” to the voices? If you direct them to support you in living, will they respond to that? Can you direct them to leave you in peace under circumstances you stipulate?
The website, Mad In America, has resources for people who are distressed by internal voices. Perhaps there are strategies or supports there that might be of interest and help. My best to you and your precious family.
@Letmesleep There is no question that without my meds I would not be here. They do not stop my hallucinations all together nor do they stop psychosis but by the time that happens i’m in hostipal in HDU. I do have problems with my “friend” telling me not to take them because it hurts her…everything is a battle