Never goes away.

It never gets better.
Maybe it does for others, but not for me.
When I was younger I heard a song that said “love heals the heart,” and I protested, saying that it only seems to heal the heart, and just brings more pain. The last year had changed my mind. My boyfriend is great. Finally felt safe. But now I’m realizing I was right. I love him. So much. Yet he still brings pain. I mean we all do, I guess. But it’s so unfair.
He hurt himself again tonight. 10 minutes after the promise not to expired. I was planning on renewing the promise tonight but he was in a bad mood and not really engaged so I didn’t. He said it was just impulsive.
You can’t act on impulses. Last week I just wanted to end it all. I realized we didn’t have enough pills to overdose. But I did count first. I never told him that. He’s all low any way and it wouldn’t do any good. But the point is, impulses are not good enough excuses.
I’m so flippin exhausted. The exhaustion never goes away. I can’t do this. My mom has cancer, my brother has some mysterious epilepsy, my other brother is being a douchebag, my dad isn’t even like a dad. I’m just so tired.
I don’t want to live anymore. I find myself stupidly wishing I was a Nihilist or at least didn’t believe in God. Because then I could just kill myself and be done. Instead I’m here, aching and exhausted, wishing I could just go.