My telling you on the nightline service “I am not that strong of a person†translates to “I am going to kill myself, but I don’t want you to lock me up so I won’t say it out loud and commit myself.â€Â I don’t know how or when. As soon as possible. As soon as I can find the right way. Pills won’t do it…I’ve even heard cyanide won’t do it unless you are a chemist and know how to brew it just right. I envy that old couple that took their life together sipping cyanide from their teacups. Jumping in front of a train will do it…I’m going crazy. I’m going so incredibly terribly crazy. I feel like looking up the fastest train in the world and using my savings to buy a ticket to that country and throwing myself in front of that train. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I won’t go. Not again. Never again. But if I wait like this and keep trying and trying I’ll keep failing with stupid attempts that aren’t even attempts, they are my body losing control of impulses, and I’ll keep landing myself in the hospital. So no, I’m not going to try any more. I’m going to plan this out. I’m going to die. I keep telling myself this. Does this mean I don’t want it? Is that why I am still here? It probably is. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to get my goddamn masters from Hopkins and work at the fucking Smithsonian. I want it all. But I’m not going to get there. Because I’m going to keep falling over and over and fucking over again and I am sooo done!! I don’t usually curse. But I am cursing all over the place now. I’m sorry. So, no, it’s not that I want this. It’s just that I’m going to do it anyway.
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4 comments
I think your body does not wish to die I don’t think it is your time yet you have your whole life to live, we are stronger then you think , if you have survived all your attempts there’s a reason, it means live do not let people bring you down you are better then that , if you feel lonely do not you have loved ones , friends and family whom most likely care for you a lot, hopefully what I write down has meaning.
I wish you the best in which ever choice you make I hope you choose life and to win the battle then to fall a victim too it.
either way I will have faith that you will make the right choice I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world .
Thank you for your post…that’s really not the case, though. I know lots of people love and care about me. And in retrospect my life is very good right now. But I don’t feel good or alive or anything at all really. And I know that the longer I hold on the closer I am to losing control and without wanting to go through with a pathetic attempt like ODing and end up back in the hospital.
Hey Tryingsohard
Thought maybe a little Nelson Mandela quote might be appropriate…a good friend sent it to me when I had reached the bottom…had been given less than 6 months to live…and realized I had finally won…but what. Thank God that was many years ago and I continue to prove the doctors wrong…but this spoke to me. Hope it helps.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.â€
Peace
Amakua
Thanks Amakua….That was beautiful. But i’m not a child anymore. And I don’t want anyone to see me. I do appreciate it, though. You are a really good person.