No reason to live?

Today was just a very depressing day for me. I woke up around 1pm and basically spent the day crying and feeling bad and thinking of suicide. Last night was seemingly perfect. I went on a hayride with all my marching band friends, we had a great time. We sang our field show, ate smores and hung around the campfire. It was perfect until one incident. Amazing how one thing can ruin your whole day/night. Well, here’s what happened. So before we got on the tractor i was standing waiting with my friends and we were playfully stealing each other’s hats (knit winter type hats). So later, when we were at the fires me and my one friend snuck around and tried to steal my other friend’s hat. We’ll call her “Hannah”. So we didnt know that “Hannah” had tied the hat around her neck so we couldnt steal it (one of those hats with the two strings/ropes on the sides) so when i tried to take it off it didnt work. Then “Hannah” snapped at us and got really pissed. Me and my friend feel bad about it but it wasn’t entirely our fault, “Hannah” just took it lightheartedly the entire night until she snapped. How could we have known that she didnt want us doing that? So later, on the tractor on the way back, me and my friend were talking and she (she’s a junior im a sophomore in high school by the way) opened up and said how she tries to stay away from her “circle” of friends (also juniors and “hannah” is a part of this circle) because she didnt like the feel of it- they do stuff that she knows about and she doesnt get invited. Which is the same thing for me in my “circle” (who are also sophomores). I guess we are both the outcasts.

Anyway, things just havent felt right for me in a while. At first i figured that these depressed type feelings were just hormones or something but since its been a few weeks, ive ruled that out. I used to love going to marching band, now i dont have as much interest in it anymore because ive been feeling social anxiety towards my “circle” because im trying to fit in with them so i can get invited to go out with them and stuff.  I have a lot of friends but they’re just “school friends” meaning that they only hang out with me in school and never outside of school. I dont really have a circle of friends. I dont fit in with anyone really. That’s probably because i have undiagnosed ADHD. I know i have ADHD, its just ive never been tested for it or anything. My weirdness and hyperness tends to drive people away. I used to think that i fit in with the “circle” perfectly until i realized that im much different than them. They’re weird, like me but im so much weirder because the ADHD makes me do and say really weird things that usually dont make sense. I’m starting to think that the ADHD is causing depression. My grades arent that great and my relationships with other people are lacking too, so that adds to the stress i already have. I dont really have anything good or something to look forward to in my life, really the only thing i have to look forward to is marching band and the season is almost over. I have no idea what im going to do after that. Today i realized that i dont really have a reason to live. I think the only reason why im still here is because i dont want to hurt my family by committing suicide. If it wasnt for that, i probably would’ve killed myself in 4th grade when i was getting bullied really harshly (i was bullied K-5th grade really harshly and i was suicidal in 4th grade). I do have goals in my life. I want to be an ER doctor when i get older, but that seems so far away. I still have about 10+ years of school still, so that goal isnt really giving me a  reason to stick it out and wait for things to get better. The academic and social pressure is just overwhelming. Its too much to handle and i have no idea what to do about. It seems like things will only get worse.