I truly don’t know where to start; what I feel right now is from years adding up. It is from everything I have delt with and truly feels like nothing is ever enough. Please bare with my bad grammer and sentence structure I am typing as it comes to me and I’m a little shoken up at the molment.
Ok background I have two brothers who are older than me the eldest we will call Nick the middle Kevin. I am a gay male and I know the fact but have never accepted it. If you ask me I will tell you truthfully I am. If nothing else I believe in the truth more than anything else, I hate lies and it kills me inside if I have to tell one.
So, when I was 5 i was molested by kevin for 4-5 years. At first I hated it; it was horrible and wrong. After some time I grew to like it and I wanted it- it made me feel horrible that I wanted something I knew was wrong. To this day I don’t know if I was born gay or if it was from what was done to me. Well, it happened all the time for a while. We would take baths together and my mom thought it was perfectly normal. (my dad has never been in the picture. My first memory of him was my mom kicking him out of the car by the pepsi plant close to my house) Well, also during this time he didn’t care I hated spiders… We had spiders in the house and I remember my face being so close to them I have it embeded in my mind what they looked like, while he was on top of me. I am terrified of spiders to this day.
During this time one of his friends also tried to get me to give him a blowjob. I was playing mario on the nitendo when he came in the room, and at first was like if you do I will. I said no (even though truthfully I wanted to- and feel dirty for it) well then he tried to grab my head and make me. The only thing that saved me was another of his friends coming in the room, my brother-in-law now. (by marriage to his sister)
Years after that when I was in my pre-teens I let my friends use me. I would do favors for them anytime they wish. I don’t know why, at first I wanted to then I just couldn’t say no. I have a problem when it comes to anything sexual saying no; even when I REALLY don’t want them touching me. I just feel like I’m not allowed and it won’t come up and if it does is very half-heartedly and they think its because I really do want to and just need convincing.
*Ok side note This story is more for me then to tell the tale, so it jumps forward and again I’m typing it as I re-experience it-so may not all make sense.
Well, my first boyfriend; an alchololic, liar, and trouble. Lied to me the whole time and ‘convinced’ me that i wanted to have sex with him. Well, he has gotten drunk and threatened to kill me. He was in the ‘closet’ and threatened if I told people. Well, we broke up after one month but still kept seeing eachother now and then when he would ask.
Well the next guy (we will call alex). He came into my life when I was tring to get rid of the last one still. He was not my type, attire kinda scared me yet I was so desperate to be away from my last ex ( again couldn’t say fuck off, it would never come out right) that I went on a date with him. Well, he was super sweet and for the first time in my life was shown what being intimate could mean, it was my choice, I chose to make it. Well, he ended up using me and then cheating on me.
The next guy that matters (ram is what i refer to him as will tell why after) Well, I meet him and he gives me his number. I meet up with him at his apartment and everyone is smoking weed and doing ex. I was not into that and tried to leave(halfheartedly even though I was begging god to get me out) well, it didn’t happen. He ended up having his way with me. This was the first guy I kept saying no (in his defense it wasn’t very convincing) but I said no. I kept saying no. Well, after he mentions his ex now has HIV, and that he would kill a ***** if they gave it to him. {yes your prob guessing, though i didn’t know it I then I am HIV positive now} I ended up dating him for a month (exactly my longest relationship so far) and he breaks up with me because I don’t care enough. Oh and the reason i dated him was when i got to my car that first night crying, I decided it wasn’t rape if I kept seeing him; because then I wanted it. -wth i know
*ok at this poin I need to back track for some other history to fully understand why this next part came.
My brothers always teased me in school, my step-dad always called me gay boy even before my familly knew. My mom loved my step-dad more then us so it didn’t matter and anything I said about it was wrong. I had to do better then my brothers in school and life so I had constant presure, if I made b’s I got in trouble. Anything I did at the house I was in trouble. In 5th grade I started clubs (schools) and joined more each year. Soon as I could I got a job, 6months later I got another one. By the time I was in highschool I had 9clubs (beta, student council, mock trial, deca, keys, kiwanias, honors, science adventure, and i don’t remember the last one) and worked two full time jobs. I would wake up monday and school-work-repeart untill tue night, do the same till thur night, then same though sunday night. Litterally I would go to school friday then work 3-9 at one job then 9-7 then 8-2, 2p-7a, 8-5 before I could finally go home and sleep. Needless to say I finally made quite a few b’s and my parents flipped. I was called lazy useless, said I shouldn’t be working that much (i paid for everything, clubs, competitions, uniforms, my car, insurance, phone, food, etc) I did save some of my money however. Well, every time I saw they were complaining about something, so I did more.
Ok so now after finding out I am HIV positive I also find out I have HPV (warts) wich are turning cancerous. I am close to a mental breakdown, I am crying at work I havn’t told anyone and don’t know who I could even tell. I finally tell one of my managers (who was like familly). Well they wouldn’t let me off for surdry and have me scheduled the next day (under anthesics) so they fired me (I know could have sue’d, but I needed time off- agreed to give me my recomendation so I wouldn’t do anything about it). So now I’m home more (oh graduated highschool college hasn’t started)
Well, my step-dad is a drunk and does pills when my mom isn’t arround. She works out-of-town alot. After a while he tries to get me to do stuff. He starts pulling out privates and tring to get me to give him a blowjob; or will mention his size and say I can’t do better than that, or how good it would feel being that big. I tell my mom and she does nothing. I was afraid to even come home anymore and only time i would if I knew he was asleep. I would get a few hours then wake up and leave before he did. After a month he gets worse and I tell my mom again; well she calls and he is fucked up so she leaves him, kicks him out. Well, then she feels horrible and starts threatening suicide (oh on a side note i know my timeline is messed up sorry. I was cutting my self and burning rings into my arm since the 7th grade) I finally had enough I was going to have to have surdry again and was scared. I did anything and everything. I drank everyday, I poped any pills (xanex, loratabs, flexiril, valum, oxy, and plenty others) weed, then someone introduced me to ex. I spend 1600 in a month and half. I was on it every day whether at work (I was a store manager) or home, driving it didn’t matter. I rember one day waking up and it being more then a day latter passed out in the bathroom.
Well, my mom came home one day and the house was trashed. I cleaned up with her and she kicked me out I told her I would be out in two days. I was I had my own place and got off everything I was on. responsiblity (i know reading this may not seem like it, but its only part of the story) has always been important to me. There has been many times I have wanted to die and didn’t because I had to work in the morning and other people would get my bills. nerotic no?
Well, soon after if you remember alex? Well, we started dancing at a holloween party (his friends were mine to) and I was still in love. He was more responsible so we gave it a try. I still supported him way more then I should have and delt with the responsibility part of it. Well, we had a few offs (such as when I saw a message on my computer (yes mine) where he had messaged a guy and the title of it was wanting to see my cum. Needless to say i had to read after that.) and we would get back together. Well, we have been together till two months ago. He is now talking to a guy. I don’t know how to handle it; he says he still loves me but we just should be friends. I mean he put me though alot of misery but i love him, I understand why he did plenty of it. It doesn’t excuse it but I understand it wasn’t to hurt me; however, it did. We had plenty of good times, we had fun, we had place together, we had a life together.
Back on the suicide note well, I have been tring from 7th grade untill two years ago. I tried to od on pills, nearly had to go to hospital a time or two. I tried cutting but wasn’t brave enough, so then I just cutt and burned to take the emotinal pain away. I am running out of steam so just going to get to the point and understand there is alot more to this, and reasons that would lead me to it, and i still have scars on my arm today. Well two years ago (well a month shy) my eldest brother killed himself. The very same night I had tried the same thing over alex breaking up with me again ( stupid reason i know. sorry.) Well, this destroyed my familly. His wife found him when she was dropping off their daughter (thankfully still in the car). Oh i just realized I left this part out
Well about my brother molesting me, it was done to him years prior by eldest brother, nick. Nick was molested at a day care. Well, I was the first to come out with the story. years later kevin told what happened. After that nick was ashamed and distant. Him and his wife broke up, familly distant and wouldn’t talk to us. So needless to say i feel like i was partly responsible (you don’t have to tell me its not my fault, I know this. I know its his fault and the original predetors fault. However, sometimes you can’t help what you feel even if it doesn’t make sense.) This has always gotten to me. Well, two weeks later I was at the house with his ex-wife (will still be refered to as my sister) and my neice. Well, we were playing my neice and I and she ends up asking me if I want her to sit on my face… I don’t know if this is innocent or not. I have never told a soul and it is haunting me. I need to tell my sister I jus don’t have the courage, she loved my brother; but I afraid he did things to his daughter.
Oh the reason I stopped cutting was I swore when we were watching his body being carried away and comforting my mom that I never would again. I havn’t but I have wanted to so bad, and regret making that promise. Although later I am glad.
Ok, ending now my mom made me go to the first one and I tried a few more phychiatrist (can’t spell). Well the first one was only intrested in the details of what my brother did to me going back over and over to it. Wanting to know way to much, and creaped me out. (dunno if normal but pretty sure he was a pervert) The next one I couln’t talk to, I was too uncomfortable. Next, came the one that only wanted me to take pills to get better. Well, now I want to go see one again. I tried a month ago and first appointment she cancled 10min before I got there. I rescheduled and they didn’t tell me it was canceled till i got there. I made a scene in the office (I’m sorry they should expect it, they deal with crazy people show some curtesy. Don’t be offended if I say crazy we all are in some way, whether physically or from what we have to deal with; temperory or permenant) Well, it seems no matter how much I want help it advoids me. I know its not true I have just lost hope tring to see someone and havn’t the will to try again.
I have the suicide prevention number memorized. It was the lock code on my phone for near a year.
Ok, so this is not nearly complete; however its a start. So now what i’m struggling with is
I feel like alex is my soul mate; i’m afraid he was my one true love, and I’m losing him and I didn’t even do anything wrong. He was also my first in so many ways so i’m sure this accounts for some of the feeling but doesn’t help. I feel like I’m betraying my neice by not getting her help. I feel responsible for my brothers death, not to mention he kept trying to reach out to me before the end and i didn’t accept, tring to date (left out will mention in a min) of course there is more but thats predominately whats on my mind.
The dating, well I am in another state (alex came with me then left. Up here for work higher wages) and I don’t know when I’m going back so if i date someone its unfair to them. I have hiv so they have to accept me and I tell people so early they run off but its unfair to them otherwise, there are very few good gay guys i would be even slightly attracted to. Well, I have talked to three people since alex. First one lied (and oh btw I am really really good about find out about thing and telling if people are lieing, its only reason i know most of what happened between me and alex since he would never tell me and lied alot) and had a fiance(female) and kid. The second one lied about going out of town (i guess more accurate lied about wanting to talk to me) and the third I just went on a date with two days ago. Well, it went well; we talked we laughed he made me smile and was a sweetheart. He isn’t my normal type though, truth-be-told I’m a little shallow (we can only be who we are no more no less) and he is bigger than I’m accustomed to (you don’ have to be totally toned just more my size) and is alot more fem.
Now my problem is on the way home I cried because he wasn’t alex. I had fun but and i smile or blush when he says sweet things but my heart doesn’t actually feel like. I am not attracted to him, and i don’ know if its him or me? The only thing I could say why he wasn’t my type was- he’s not alex!
So, I’m just lost as to where to continue from here. If you have read all the way till the end, I thank you for taking the time and bare’n though my horrible post that insults the english language. Thank you though and any advice would help, or at least i hope it will.
Truly
Without a Solution.
4 comments
First off, after reading this I’m so amazed by you. You have dealt with so much and seem so strong. You need to speak up about your niece. Not that it will stop the situation because your brother is no longer around, but it could majorly impact her life (I know) and the earlier you deal with it, the better the chance she has. And also, if you’re not attracted to this new guy, don’t force it, but keep his as a friend. I don’t think that you should go back to Alex. You really need to find yourself without him because it seems he always brings you down. find closure because you will never be able to move on without it. And it’s okay to maybe not be involved with someone for a while.
Good luck and if you err need anyone to talk to I’m here
Thank you. I really appreciate it; I don’t know why but after near two years I talked to my sister (in-law) And I told her my worries and what was said. She assured me that she has the talks with my neice about “private areas are off limits”, and that she would subtly bring the topic up with her again. I thought she would be mad; feel like I was disgracing my brothers memory, but she understood with what my family has been though. It was a major weight off my shoulder. I know your right about the new guy; I am more scared that I’m messing something that could be great up, and just don’t know if it is because I’m not ready or not interested. He is a sweetheart and a good guy, though I guess with the heart sometimes that isn’t enough. I have told him my situation (hiv and still in love with my ex) he has accepted it and said we didn’t have to rush anything. I am just afraid that I am leading him on and its not fair.
As for Alex, I know I need to move on; he has for the most part-though I can still tell and know he still cares in his own way, and a part of him wants us to be together. I just havn’t gotten the closure where I can greive and move on. I don’t know how to get this? When I talk to him he won’t give it to me (i know its something I get myself, my heart just is arguing) and will just stop talking instead of saying we are totally done. I want to say I don’t need you, or want you in my life; truth be told though I do (want at least) he makes me feel things I didn’t know in this world. It isn’t healthy though, and nothing I have tried has helped me to move on. The last three nights (I know also very unhealthy) I have slept with the stuffed puppy he gave me on valentines day. I have deleted (well moved to backup) most of his pictures so I don’t see them, gave him or boxed up his stuff, removed him from most of my life; yet I find myself not willing to completly delete or throw away the things that remind me of him. I still have a scrapbook of us, the stuffed puppy, and few misc things. What would you recomend to help make me get closure?
And thank you. Just knowing that you could read though all of that makes me feel like someone cares, which isn’t true that people don’t; sometimes we just forget that they do. ALso its hard to talk to people that we care about and open up our private world to them. So truly thank you.
I cant really give any advice about what you have been through as i could never imagine, but im sorry for all the pain you have been through and admire you’re strength of character. You are an amazing human being. About alex, you will get a lot of people telling you to move on, let go. People don’t realize its not nearly as easy as that, I’ve let go to the love pof my life 3 months ago because he kept fucking around with my emotions and hurting me and cheating on me but I still love him and miss him every single day and hes part of my depression. But i believe if two people are meant to be together, they will be one day.
Thank you friend. I know its not that easy, truly its not. I also understand the last part; it is my main problem. I love him and I feel in every ounce of my heart that we belong, and I think your right one day. He as some growing up to do, some maturing, and needs to respect me more as your love does you. The only question is how long from now until then? I don’t want to wait the rest of my life for him. Honestly I would consider it if he treated me like I was worth it and I knew that one day we would. However, I’m afraid its all for naught and where we are now is unhealthy; I need to be in a different place concerning our relationship or I’m not going to be happy. I just don’t know how. I would ask you to consider the same advice how long are you willing to wait for him? Is he worth it, and if it stayed the way it was; could you be happy with that the rest of your life?
My answer with how we were before was no; yet he broke it off with me. I sadly would take him back; I just know it would be the wrong thing to do and no matter how much I hate him for doing this to me; I also thank him for ending the pain of constant betrayal and waiting for what he would do next to screw up our relationship. When he got mad he would get on dating sites or constantly watch porn etc. Now, if nothing else I have gotten out of him leaving is I don’t have that constant worry of “shit he’s mad, now what is he going to do” even if he got mad, because I got mad he cheated…
There is good in everything, I may not have believed this earlier but truly a weight was lifted earlier with telling my sister, and I want to lift more now. I swear I was at the end of my endurance but jus ranting on her helped me see what I needed to do, and again I thank ya’ll for taking time for me. I hope you can move past him, or he becomes worthy of having your love.