Spent all of last week in the hospital ..it didn’t work..One moment I feel so good and then the next I feel like everything’s crashing down I hate it..I fucking hate it here you can’t trust anyone.I wanna die like I deserve.Ive cried out to only get ignored.I feel so alone.I want it over.I want an easy fast way out..
November 2012
Well what do you do when nobody can stand you?
because you cant stand tall or cant understand its all the same to me you all know im nothing
There is someone who bullies me. Someone who teases and taunts and tortures me. That bully is me.
No matter what I do, I notice a flaw in me. I’m stupid, ugly, fat, and friendless. No one listens to me. I doubt my parents even care about me. Whenever I try talking to them, they don’t even bother to understand my problems. I can’t talk to my brother. He has autism and wouldn’t understand anything. My ‘friends’ are fake, as fake as a Barbie doll. No matter how hard I try in school, there are always people who do better than me. I hate comparing myself […]
i don’t have a job, i don’t have money, i don’t have a love, i don’t have friends, i don’t have nothing, why i’m leave…
Fuck!!! I’m still here. This past week has me feeling I really have no strength to stay alive. I have reasons too I know that. I just need a way to make them more important for me to stay here. I don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on. My fakingit lifestyle isn’t working but being real wont work either it will turn people away (so I’ve had experience). Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Someone set the pain free. Really. Please set me free.
Everyday, i just want to..
Bash myself
Cut myself really deep
Burn myself
Choke myself
Stab myself
Kill myself
Fill myself with never ending pain.
Cause it’s what i deserve, it’s what i need.
I want to do it, but i can take the lead.
Gumpy
I realized today that I’m always lonely. I yearn for a friend, someone to talk to, someone who understands, but even when I’m with my friends, I’m so damn lonely. I don’t feel as if they want me there, I don’t feel as if they’d really care if they saw me on the roof of a building, just about to jump.
I’m such a terrible person. I try to be funny and make people laugh, I reach out for people to be happy with me, so I can be pleased with myself, but I always say the wrong thing. Say the wrong joke, say it too […]
I talk about this with a lot of people, but I take it so lightly and act like talking about it doesn’t hurt but it does. You probably want to know what I act like I take “lightly”. It’s about my biological Dad, he was abusive and would hurt my Mom and I. When I was two she divorced him but I still remember what he did to me. He would hit me and one time he actually held me over our balcony and almost dropped me. You may not believe me about this because a lot of people don’t but it’s true. I remember […]
In the boxing ring,
Fists held to my face,
Shielding myself from the blows headed my way.
I try and try so hard
Ducking, dodging, skirting away,
From the opponents coming my way.
Jab, hook, and cross
Side kick, front kick,
Knockdown.
On my back, looking up,
Dazed, startled, confused.
Panting, trying to catch my breath,
I wonder if it’s even worth it.
5,4,3,2…
Back on my feet,
Fists held to my face once more.
Kick, kick, kick,
Uppercut, jab, cross
In a blaze of aggression,
The round ends.
Gasping, sweating, blood trickles down my face
I try so hard to win,
But I just can’t fight any more.
Life, meh. Â People, double meh.
Humans are either assholes or just a huge disappointment.
Hello All,
I am in a terrible place that I don’t feel that I will ever get out of. Â I was on top of the world. Â Had a very good job, good car, just moved in with the love of my life, new pets, just bought the house of my dreams.
I lost it with one illegal mistake that I made. Â I ended up spending several months in jail, I lost my reputation, the girl that I knew would be there for me no matter what will no longer have anything to do with me. Â I have lost my job, and CANNOT find work no matter what. […]
Where the wounded gather and co-mingle, there is often (but not always) a mutual healing.
so here i am last night layin in bed thinkin as usual..cant ever clear my head..i started thinkin..maybe it was my fault..maybe i lost him because i didnt stop him when he was walking out of my drive way the last time we fought..now that i lost him i wish i would have stopped the fights we got into to as soon as they would start..i wish i would have been the bigger person and told him to knock it off when he would be pissy with me..i wish i would have took advantage of the time i had with him..the times he was over […]
another day and i feel just as worse as the day before.
i got up this morning and it took me like 5 minutes to realise where i am, who i am and take in my surroundings.
and when i finally do realise who i am and stuff i feel instantly like shit. Like completely empty. Like im walking around doing nothing.
My mind drifts towards the peace i might find if i leave this horrible world. i think about and i chicken out of it the more i think about it.
i love sleeping so much becuase it’s like being dead.
i know people might call me a lunatic […]
Please keep yourselves alive, for although your present circumstance might seem helpless and hopeless, it most likely will change for the better, and at least give yourselves the opportunity to cultivate abstract hope in the absence of hope, for this shall help you ride out the hopelessness of a future down cycle.
I am in a circumstance where I must be euthanized before I end up as gravely disabled in the state institution with a Foley catheter (since it would be the least expensive option for the state, and they don’t give a fu*k about my sexuality)Â coming out of my penis for life, and I am only 47.
I think the scariest part of all this is when you desperately want someone to reach out to and no one is around. You want a friend, but you don’t want those people you call friends to know. And you don’t have the money to get professional help. And you don’t want your family to start blaming themselves. And you sure as fuck don’t want people to start asking what you’ve done to try NOT being depressed.
I’m not even sure if I am depressed. I mean, I have depression, but I spend these days being mostly angry and frustrated. But now, I’m just sad, because […]
I have been severely beaten and tortured, by cops, by deputies, by inmates, by psychOtechs, by inpatients, and by myself. Many profound cells and hallways of anguished misery, and some horrible experiences with four-point restraints and injections.
A couple of days ago i met my ex who had had the abortion. We haven’t really spoken about it since it happened and so when i brought it up it was a bit of a touchy subject. She had told a friend about it and they had advised her to write a letter to the baby and just say how she was feeling, she never had though.
We decided we would write one together. None of us knew what to say though and so we just sat for a while. Then we wrote ‘sorry’! That’s all i could say at first but then we got […]