Scared.

hi. my name is unimportant, but i am 13 years old. young, right? i know. please don’t judge me or complain and say i have so much to live for. i just want to say my story, and say how i feel.

two years ago around summertime, my parents split up. it was hard on me to drag my stuff back and forth. it was okay though because it was only a walk up the street. my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer in december that same year. my dad had accused her of having an affair while she was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation therapy. i was heartbroken. how could he tell his own children that his wife who is going through all of this shit that she is cheating on him with a married man? it got better for my mom, and we thought she would be alright. she moved in with my grandmother and i moved in shortly after because my mom didn’t want me living in a house with all men, my two older brothers (17,19) and my father. i could see her reasoning, but it was hard because i wouldn’t be able to see my dad as much. at age 11 he was telling me how she manipulated me and made me dislike him. she told me things i didn’t want to hear about my father. my father’s side of the family would completely and utterly trash my mom at family parties. i’m fairly close to my mom, so it was hard for me to hear their opinions about her and not tell her. so i told her.

she started becoming quite quiet, and not her usual outgoing self. my grandmother and i tucked it under the rug and figured she was just going through a phase. it turns out we were wrong. this february my mom had tried to kill herself. she hadn’t told anybody her thoughts of suicide except her best friend who did nothing about it. earlier that day, she had sent me to my father’s to stay for a few days. i agreed, and left. that night my dad rushed out of the house, and called at 12 AM and told me my mom had cut herself and had to go to the emergency room. i was only told she cut herself, not having any intention to kill herself. i was only 13 so i didn’t realize that cutting upwards could make you die. she had to go to therapy after that. it had been a week without seeing my mom, and i was devastated. i decided to do some research on cutting and i finally realized what i hadn’t been told–my own mother tried to kill herself. my assumption was that she figured she had nothing left to live for, which made me feel worthless. soon after, i started cutting.. about two days after, i received a call from the hospital. they took her to a mental hospital because they found moth crystals, which she used for a fresh and clean smell in her car, inside of her purse. they thought she sniffed them, like cocaine. when she was released from the hospital, she showed me her cut. i cried, and cried. it was horrible.

it’s now november, and she’s better. still going through therapy, but she is healing. this next part, i know i will get complaints. please do not complain about this, i know i’m not “in love”. in no way am i saying i was. here it goes:

i have been talking to a boy in 9th grade since august. we see each other all of the time in school,  and he always tells me that he likes me so much and he wants to be with me. i figured i could tell him about my cuts, and me being suicidal. when i told him, he was the only one who knows and still is, he seemed okay with it. i could tell he was slightly confused and curious on why i do. the next day he messaged me on facebook and told me that me cutting didn’t change his feelings for me, and he told me not to worry. i didn’t worry.. not at all. i was happy. and then, the exact day after, he told me he wants to stop talking. he didn’t even want to be friends completely. he said that i wouldn’t understand his reasons, but i made him tell me. his exact words were: “You wanna know why? you have no self respect or confidence. i gave you every compliment out there, and you kept denying it. it killed me” what he said about me having no self respect triggered my worst cut. this was only last tuesday. i cried, and cried, and cried. i may not have loved him, but he meant a lot to me. the only person that knew i cut betrayed me. he wont even look at me in school now. i miss talking to him, and it sucks. he made me feel like i wasn’t a mess. i didn’t want to believe i was a mess but now it’s getting to me. everything is getting to me; my mom’s suicide, my dad, and even him. this sucks.

i have been contemplating suicide. i would like to know, what is the easiest way out? thank you for reading. xox