Lately I have found myself predicting the outcome of every event.  If the outcome is unfavorable then I simply do not want to be a part of it. For instance, if I meet someone, and I know that they will think negatively about me in some light I do not want to get involved with them what so ever.  I feel like my biggest problem is that I know I will eventually become discouraged about every relationship I have, and because of this I am extremely apprehensive about hanging out with people.
What is most troubling about this is I know people are unpredictable. Â Therefore I know how I feel is irrational in some respects. I feel like the constant reinforcement of rejection in my life has driven me to become cold and unhappy. Â I am fearful, angry, and overall just very pessimistic. Â These feelings occasionally give me satisfaction through humor, but I feel like they deplete my energy levels and make life hard to keep up with.
It has begun to affect everything I do. Â I have a hard time with job interviews because there are people more motivated and more confident than I am. Â I hate people because they see right through my bullshit exterior and peer at the tired troubled person I am. Â Girls piss me off because at my age the probability of me finding the right person is extremely low. Â I am more than likely going to be rejected in the majority of things I do, so how will I ever be comfortable with taking a chance?
2 comments
@Anthropophobia: I really like your post! I feel similarly, but don’t have the courage you do to admit it. From what you’ve written, you seem frustrated but still in-the-game, still open to the possibility of solutions. That’s more than I can say for myself… Your comment about not liking (job) interviews because there are so many there so much more confident and with-it (at least in appearance, no?) than you speaks to my own dislike of the interview process that pits people against each other and relies very much on appearance and psychological feel.
I feel like a broken record because all I ever end up adding to posts as magnetic as yours is, “I wish I had answers, but I don’t.” Does it help at all knowing you’re not alone in this struggle–that others understand where you’re coming from and are rooting for you? I’m also super-curious to learn what you’re going to do next…
Thanks for being brave enough to write what I’m too cowardly to admit. Hope things look up for you very soon… P.S. Cool screen-name.
Cool man, don’t give a s..t about anyone else.
Remember the famous sentence of french philosopher J.P. Sartre: “Hell are the others” 😉