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The Everlasting Circle of…

by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Often times I wonder how I reached this point. This point of no return. Of an endless repitition of internal suffering. I can’t really think of an answer. Perhaps that means that I was just destined to be this way.

Many different people think the solution is simply, talking  about your feelings or seeing a shrink or just looking at life at a different angle. But they’re all wrong. Because no matter what people say on the outside, you’ll always be that suicidal kid (no matter how old you are, actually) and despite all of the nice things they’ll say, no matter how much they tell you that they like you or that you deserve to live, deep down they’ll never see you as being good as someone else who’s “normal.” In fact, whenever the opportunity should arise, they’d pick a normal person over me and you any day.

That’s just the never-ending rut you put yourself in by telling someone about your thoughts. It’s terrible for sure, but it’s the truth. Especially if you’re a suicidal guy. If you’re a girl, guys will just use your pain to take advantage of you, since it’s an “easy way in.” So in a sense, I can never really tell anyone about my suffering until after I’m dead, because for every single set of ears that hears my story, they’ll start to feel sorry for me and look down upon me and wish that they’d never found out my truth.  And I’ll have done nothing but burden them… Or maybe, have done nothing at all. Sometimes I don’t know which is worse. And every time I text them or call them to engage in something else aside from my suicidal feelings, they’ll look at their phone with my name flashing and think, “oh shit, it’s him. I really don’t feel like dealing with him right now.” And maybe if one of their friends are around, the friend will ask who’s calling and of course, they will say, “oh, it’s this one guy who’s really depressed and wants to kill himself.”

This post is really unfocused. Forgive me for that. I guess I want to conclude it by stating how much I hate people who really believe that they can end my suffering by: 1)knowing about my suicidal thoughts or 2)talking to me about my suicide or 3)knowing my whereabouts or 4)appearing to harbor a genuine desire to help me. In every case, I’ve become nothing more than that “suicide case.” and no matter what I do, I can never become more than that. Once a suicidal, always a suicidal.

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5 comments

cynr1023 11/15/2012 - 10:55 pm

1. check
2. check
3. check
4. check

it seems like “they” never want us to forget we thought about suicide and had the nerve to tell someone.

Nathaniel_Morisawa 11/15/2012 - 11:27 pm

It’s their ignorance; their lack of understanding. Only the suicidal can properly care for other suicidals and treat them the way they ought to be treated.

simonemd 11/16/2012 - 12:44 am

I felt comfortable in my identity as a suicidal person for a long time. I was the “sick” one in the family. I still am sometimes, even though I am trying now to move past that role. Reading what you wrote makes me think you may be able to relate to somethings I have written on my blog: ThingsGetWeird.wordpress.com
The truest friends will love and support you and see past the suicidal part of you. Some of my best friends are not suicidal, but can completely relate to the struggle I have gone through to make it out of the darkness. And they don’t judge me, or dread it when I call them. They see me for all that I am, which is beyond just somebody who was suicidal for ten years. If anything, I am the one who has had a hard time letting go of that identity. I am learning. As I am becoming and growing into the person I was to be, I am letting go of my comfort zone in my suicide bubble.

Shelly 11/16/2012 - 1:15 am

Hey guys got something to ask. I have a friend and I often feel if I’m not careful I’ll drive her away, the one and only friend I have left. But on the other hand I suppose that’d make suiciding easier if I decide to go ahead with it at some point. Which leads me to my question; is it morally acceptable to push close friends (or family) away so that when you kill yourself they hopefully won’t be hurt as badly, or is that just callous? I don’t know the answer is just lost to me on this one…

Nathaniel_Morisawa 11/22/2012 - 10:53 pm

That depends on how you want to be remembered after you die.

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