This is not a story of hope, even though it starts of like one.
It’s been five years since I first tried to kill myself via exit bag, after six years of depression. After that failed attempt, I decided that if I wasn’t going to die, then I was going to try to live. I decided to do everything I could to leave my old life behind – family, friends… everything.
Things started getting better career/work-wise. I went to college and graduated top in my major. I was able to move across the globe (literally, with a 12 hour time-zone difference), because I am doing my PhD in a top 20 school. My program pays for everything. I am getting paid to do what I love. I am surrounded by some of the smartest and most amazing people I have ever met. But I have never felt more alone in my life.
I am 25 years old. As a scientist, I probably have the maturity and work ethic of someone much older. As a human being who has to maintain relationships with other people, I have been stuck at 12 years old for a long time. I have never had a girlfriend. I have never kissed a girl. Â I get hugs once every few years, mostly from people I don’t care about.
There have been three girls in my life that I’ve been attracted to. I don’t see or talk to them anymore. Now, there’s a fourth. She’s in my program and has a boyfriend. I know what to think – that this is totally inappropriate and pointless, and that I should move on. To my credit, I haven’t done anything stupid yet. That’s the part I can control: my actions. But I can’t control my feelings. Everyday, I descend deeper and deeper into the hole I worked so hard to climb out of, knowing that things will never work out, or worse, that I might ruin everything by trying to make things work.
I haven’t felt like this in a long time. What hurts the most is that I thought I was done with these feelings. The idea that I will be forced to relive this pain over and over again is unbearable.
And thus, suicide comes to mind. If I’m honest with myself, a relationship with me would probably be worse than being single. It’ll probably stay that way until I learn how to be in a relationship. I’m not sure how that’s going to happen considering: (a) I’m not very attractive, and worse, (b) I am attracted to very few people.
Maybe the scientist in me is making all of this sound sterile. So I’ve thought of a few anecdotes to describe how I feel:
1. I wish my entire extended family spontaneously died. That way, people would treat me commensurate to how I feel inside.
2. I wish someone would turn up at my weekly department meeting and severely beat me up in front of everyone, before shooting me in the face. That way, my feelings would be perfectly reasonable and appropriate.
3. I wish I could trade away the rest of my life to spend the next 5 years with her. Actually, a good proportion of people who attempt suicide at least once will end up dying of suicide anyway, so it’s not like I’m trading away a lot (statistics are 91%, but that’s for people who have been hospitalized, so I’m assuming the statistic for the general population is much, much less, but still significant).
4. I wish I could trade away the rest of her life to spend the next 5 years with her. As opposed to watching her be happy with someone else.
5. I feel as fucked up as you would for wishing for #4.
When you’re just about to go, and starring into the abyss, your entire life reduces itself to a simple question: “do you want to keep going, or do you want to stop?” Some of us choose the latter, and leave in peace. Others, like me, are seduced by how easy the former choice seems at that time. We realize that in our deepest, darkest despair, life becomes easy to live – all you have to do is not die. I used that momentum to turn my life around, but now that things have gotten more and more complicated, I start to wonder why I bothered in the first place. I want to go back to that moment, to feel the lucidity again. I want to know if I’ve made the right choice. I want to feel like I want to live again.
In summary, I’m not going to kill myself tonight. But I wish I was.
8 comments
Hi thirteen,
It’s eerie that yours is the first post I came across when looking on google as a last resort for some outlet for my suicidal feelings… I’ve tried a suicide hotline once before (about 7 years ago) but I hate talking to people who give me the impression of “oh I’m a doctor/trained health specialist so I know what you’re going through”… it makes me want to scream that I probably know more about psychology than they do and they’ll NEVER understand how I feel…
Okay sorry that was a tangent. Anyway, back to why I am responding to your post.
I am also a scientist. I work in neurosurgery research at a top hospital. I also did a PhD program, and I am also 25. So needless to say a lot of your feelings resonate with me as well coming from a similar background.
Now here’s the difference– 1. I’m a girl, 2. I am, by most standards, very good looking, and haven’t been without a boyfriend or lover of one sort or another since I was 16 (though I promise I’m not saying this to be obnoxious, I’m going to make a point here…)
My point is that your pain and suicidal feelings (because that’s what they are even if you don’t act on them) are probably not about this girl, or about whether you think you’re attractive, or anything related to that. The pain is just a feeling, and for people with–ok I’ll say it even though it makes me sound like the suicide hotline asshole– for people with mental health problems, the feeling of crippling pain can strike even when you have all the things you’d think would make you happy.
I think the first step for you to find happiness is to realize that, because when you recognize the feeling as something anyone can struggle with at any time– regardless of circumstances– you’ll see that 5 years with this girl or any girl wouldn’t make you happy. You have to find a way to battle the feeling itself, not the things you think are causing your depression, because people don’t generally feel suicidal without suffering from a legitimate clinical imbalance.
Anyway. I don’t know whether that made you feel any better, but you should know that YOUR post made ME feel a lot better just knowing there are others out there who are so much like me… and I was thinking about going out to my car tonight, running a hose from the exhaust and just ending it. So you should at least feel good that you’ve inspired someone to hold off for a little longer.
Hello,
It’s funny you should talk about doctor/health specialist thing. The previous girl I was obsessed about, my first psychiatrist basically told me that it was impossible to be with her. She was mostly right, but that wasn’t the point, because I stopped treatment immediately. I then had another counselor who was willing to entertain my fantasies and plans. It took a couple of years, but she let me find my own way out. Of course, I’m on my own now.
I am actually a social psychologist. So we have something in common… sort of. Or not really.
Anyway, I think you’re right. Sometimes the pain is just pain. I like to think of it as the weather (Stephen Fry’s analogy) – we can’t control when it rains, although we can control what we do about it. Some days can be pretty debilitating though.
Maybe you’re right, maybe I could have everything and still be unhappy. But I’d still like to experience having everything, just to make sure. I’m not sure if I’m due for another suicide attempt soon, but I’m not planning anything at the moment. I’m going to try and meet with this girl next week, and tell her how I feel, and find a way to get over her, or die trying. This all feels like deja vu, but I’m going to do a few things differently this time, and see what happens.
I’m glad you decided to let things play out just a little longer. I’m curious to know more about why you’d like to kill yourself. Just bear in mind that the reason I chose to be a social rather than clinical psychologist is because I don’t believe in stopping people from killing themselves. I think people tend to choose what they think is best, and I shouldn’t interfere.
Hello Thirteen
Not even sure how to respond to your post…perhaps I shouldn’t. I dunno…you make me feel kinda dumb to be honest…and I have a very high IQ. You’ve used statistics and science to reason out your emotions. Scratch, scratch…scratch. I dunno. Perhaps it is as simple as needing a new challenge. Perhaps it is self sabotage…falling in love with an unavailable woman…maybe you think you deserve to suffer rejection for some reason. I dunno. Lots of fat, old, weird, ugly, mean folks have relationships..I do…so perhaps you should quit using that one as an excuse…know what I mean? I don’t know it you’re attractive or not…but since real attraction is based on more than physical lust and appearance…I don’t think that is really the problem. If you have a Pinnochio nose with a pus-filled wart on the end of it…well I take it all back…hahaha.
Seriously…would love to debate more on this with you…or listen to anything you would like to say.
Peace
Amakua
Hello Amakua,
Thank you for your comments. I don’t know if I’m seeking a new challenge. I’m just not attracted to the majority of girls I meet. Maybe you’re right. Who knows? It’s one of those things where we’ll just have to wait and see.
Hi.
I can gaurantee that I am half as smart as the other people who have commented on this. I also probably have the least in common with you, considering that I’m 14 and a girl.
But I just sliced up my arms and I was on here and I found you and I wanted to comment because I think we’re both asking the same question.
Does it become worth it or should I give up now?
I still haven’t found the answer and now I’m sitting here with a bottle of motion sickness pills. Can they kill me? You’re the scientist.
Haha. Look at me, laughing in the face of death.
Anyway, I really hope you find the answer soon. I hope you don’t give up a quickly as me. I hope you find away to make it worthwile.
Good luck.
See you on the other side.
Hello!
I hope you’re still alive to read this. If not, I hope you’re happier – if you even exist. Personally, I know that the human brain doesn’t stop developing until our 20s. It literally, physically changes. In layman’s terms, we become much less emotional, and more rational (stuff to do with grey and white matter in the brain; I can probably find the research paper if you’re interested). Being a teenager sucks, but if someone had shared this information with me, maybe I’d have thought about waiting till I was a bit older before deciding. Really, there’s nothing to lose if you’re 14. You either get older and things get better by themselves, or they don’t and you can still end it all anyway.
That said, I also know what it feels like to be a teenager. Sometimes, it just feels overwhelming. Suicide would be unfortunate, but understandable. Nobody chose to be born, but our last remaining dignity is that we can choose to live or die. I’m sure you’ll choose what’s best for yourself. All the best.
Well Thirteen,
I’m glad that atleast you’re not going to kill yourself tonight. Be nice if you could maybe hold off altogether…you know what I mean? But it’s your life and your choice. I like to play a little on the razor’s edge myself…but “my” reasoning mind no longer sees the sense in suicide…maybe because I’m now closer to one end than the other of this existence…ya know…older than dirt…hahaha
I hope you find the joy of living again…you deserve to. Do you do nature btw? Just curious…sometimes it helps to get out of your “self”.
Good Luck
Peace
Amakua
First things first, ……………….. go on backpage (whatever city your in) go to escorts. find a working girl make the hook up and get freaking laid ( wear a rubber ).
Stop jerking off, and looking at pron and your level of desire to engage in conversation with a girl will increase. Look someguys have it naturally, most of us slugs have to practice, get shot down a few times or many times. Yes its embarrasing to be shot down by a girl/woman. Keep the convesation clean, be polite, don’t swear, get a hair cut, ware nice clothes, they don’t have to be dress close, stay the heck away from bars when trying to meet someone. Join a club, bowling league, church group, pottery, voluteer at a hospital, Knight of Columbus, Rotary club join multiple groups or gatherings. Nothing creates the gift of gab until we get out in the world and put ourselve in a position where we have to use communications with others.
Good luck with this, there is always someone for each of us if we just put one foot in front of the other.