I have thought about this for so long now. Why should I complain about wanting to die? I have a pretty good home life, an amazing boyfriend, supportive friends, even a good life going for me.
But there’s this tiny side of me that scares me.
I have my parents bitting at each others throats, jerks who wantto talk trash about my boyfriend, friends who abuse my feelings, and all these bad traits I see in myself.
Who said life is perfect? Why do I have the right to want to die?
I do though.
I really Do.
I have lied to so many people saying I was okay. I have shreaded my wrists,arms, thighs, and stomach with deep gashes. I did so well of hiding how I felt. I starved myself fordays at at a time. All because I wasn’t skinny enough,or smart enough, or pretty enough, or talented enough. All because I blame myself for my parents fighting, my mothers insanity, for my familys trust issues, for everything under the sun that I could conect myself to.
My therapist says I need to stop trying to protect the world and perserve its innocence.
Am I doing that?
I dont know.
It hurts to wake up everyday, because I feel like I’m wasting air. I can’t look at myself in the mirror,because I see this girl that’s so happy and pretty, and she isnt even real. I live in such a lie, even I tend to believe it. I have so many different masks, I don’t knowwho the real me is any more.
Go ahead call me a complainer, call me worthless. I already know I am.
I just wanted someone to read this, so at least someone knew.
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2 comments
Hello RobynsRose,
I read your post…so i guess I know as much as you wrote. Got lots of nosy questions tho? Instead I will tell you a long, boring Ama story.
I was in my 20’s…two young children and a husband. We were both working and money was no object. We were waiting for the deal to close on our new home. Everything was going soooo good for quite awhile. And yet….while trying to sleep one night…I couldn’t stop crying…so I got up, made a tea and lit a smoke. Was sitting all by myself while my family was sleeping…writing a suicide note with the bottle of pills in front of me. I became very calm as I was writing. When it was done…I grabbed the bottle. Out of the corner of my eye…lol…I noticed a spelling error in my letter…decided to re read it to make sure it was accurate and spell checked…and yes i have OCD…and when I read what I had written to my kids…I fell apart. I raged, wept, made the animal noises humans are not supposed to make, prayed for God to make it end…and then when I was exhausted and spent…I picked up the phone and called my GP. I told her that I was ready to die. She asked why? That…I told her is the problem…there is absolutely no reason for a change…everything is going well…I’m so confused.
Oh God did I want to never take another breath again. What was it? Fear…this feeling of comfort was something I had never known…and I had convinced myself that I did not deserve to be happy…that this wouldn’t last…all the negative talk you can imagine. I have had some horrible things happen in this long life…but the hardest thing to deal with….nothing. There were no dragons to slay, no battles to be wrought and fought…just finished me. The little voice kept telling me…enjoy it while you have it…it won’t last…you’ll fuck it up…you always do. And that is when the anxiety and panic disorder set in. Oh yeah…it ended…badly…the house, the marriage, the kids…but that I could deal with…cause I did my best work when I had an enemy, opposition…something to fight.
At that point I was only fighting myself…and I was scared…because I KNEW HOW POWERFUL I REALLY WAS. A shame I was self-destructive as well. I did find my answers…I have moved forward…I am now as happy as I’ve never been…haha…and getting better and more hopeful as time goes on. So I am glad that you posted your story….cuz now I get a chance to tell you mine and urge you to get some help…here, there, everywhere. It could be a hormone imbalance like estrogen, testosterone, seratonin, dopamine…so many things. It could be unresolved guilt for something you have done…it maybe something from childhood…but it is something…and there is an answer….just have to find it.
Lecture over!!
I hope you find help and your Peace of mind again
You are worth the effort
We are here if you want to talk
Amakua
Does that make any sense to you?
It does, thank you, i just don’t feel good. I’ve been hurting, alot