A Story to Pass Your Time With

Some Information
I’m a 16 year old guy.

My only friend is this girl in my 6th period class. We don’t really hang out, but we talk in school. So that’s a friend right? We talk at night over the phone about all sorts of stuff. Since I don’t even sleep at night I always have to hang up on her because she’s so stubborn and refuses to sleep until I do. But even though we talk about lots of deep, important stuff at night, we have never had to say anything like “Don’t tell anyone!” She just trusts me and I just trust her.

Sorry I should choose better words. She just trusted me and I just trusted her.
As life continues to prove to me, trust is better kept to yourself. It only leads to pain in the end. No matter what. Disagree? Just read on.

I have known her for over a year. So she has been my best friend since maybe a month after that. Lots of people thought she was going out with me because we are always together in school. We never were a couple. We never needed to be. I think that since neither of us had many friends, or anybody to talk to, we just bonded faster than normal.

She has always noticed ‘something off about me,’ as she puts it. She says I have my own personal cloud following me. But she also describes herself as my umbrella. Cute. Despite her constant interrogations of whether everything is alright or not, I never told her about my suicidal tendencies. Well, I have… but never about the history with my father, my cutting, or my attempts. To her, it has always just been a thing that I talk about at night. Over the phone. It was never real. Tangible. Right in front of her.

Until Monday.

The day started off like any cliche: normal. We have a spot that we meet at before school starts. It’s dark and secluded. People think we make out there. We don’t. Instead, we either talk, or enjoy the company and the silence. We did the latter on Monday. Until the silence was broken by her asking, shaky voiced, if my arm hurt.

A Quick Note
Sunday night was date number one-too-many for my razor and left forearm.

I didn’t even realize I was still bleeding when I put my jacket on that morning. I wasn’t bleeding as I sat with her, but there was quite a noticeable stain on my jacket sleeve. When I pulled my hand out of my pocket to scratch the back of my head, her eyes fell on my arm. I tried to play it off, but I think she already knew at that point. She demanded that I show her. When I refused she put on her backpack and started to leave. She wouldn’t respond to me calling her back or even standing in her way. So I said, “Fine, I’ll show you.” So I did.

I’m not sure if she regrets it or not.

She looked at my arm. Then up into my eyes… and walked away. Just like that. No words. No hint as to why she would be shunning me. All week I have been texting her, calling her, and trying to talk to her at school. With no results. She would look at me when I’d get in her way or something and act like nothing was going on. I’d look at her expectingly and she would just go, “Yes?” As if nothing was out of the ordinary. I’ve been confused all week.

Questions I’ve Been Asking Myself
Was it the sheer shock of what she saw? Is she ashamed to be around me? Is she worried? Is she angry? Is it a mix of all of that? 

My questions were answered today. I was in our spot this morning and she walked over to where I was sitting. I stood up. We just looked at each other for a bit. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say at this point? I waited for her to explain herself.

She did not disappoint.

She was very calm and collected as she spoke. Like this was a business meeting. Not a hangout spot for two best pals. She looked at me differently. Like I was already dead. I remember what she said word for word. She spoke quietly and formally, “I won’t be a part of your death. Surely you can understand that. I think it’s best if you don’t talk to me until you’re better.” She gave me a hug and offered me good luck.

Luck?

What I Really Need
A friend.

After she walked away, I went home. My mother was already at work and she doesn’t notice when I skip school. I just went up to my room, closed the door, put on some music, and started thinking. I was really angry at first. I still don’t understand why she thinks that distancing herself from me is improving the situation. But after calming down, I realize that had our lives been switched, I wouldn’t want to be around someone like me either. I would be scared, worried, and upset. Why had I never heard this from that person? Why wouldn’t they tell me?

Why I Didn’t Tell Her
I didn’t want to scare, worry, or upset her.