These thoughts of suicide are consuming me. So much in fact that last night i dreamt that i had ODed (but didnt die) and i went to a hospital and my friend was there and she asked “Why would you do this?” or something along the lines of that and i replied “School.” (because the pressures of school are whats making me depressed and suicidal) The scary part is that i didnt regret it one bit. I woke up feeling happy because of what i had done in the dream, then i was disappointed when i realized that it was only a dream. I constantly think of how and when to do it and today i decided what day i will do it. I gave myself a month to change my mind. I know i need help, but im too scared to tell my dad. I dont have the strength to tell him. I cant tell any of my friends at school because they might tell a teacher/ guidance counselor and it’s my school’s protocol to have the guidance counselor meet w/ the student, call parents, make recommendations, and the student has to go to a crisis center to get evaluated and that could mean hospitalization if you get deemed “in crisis” which i probably would be deemed “in crisis”. I just dont want to burden my friends with my problems either. I cant put a “happy face” on and hide it anymore. My dad noticed that something was wrong and asked if i was sick or something and i chickened out and said that i was just tired. I dont know how much longer i can go on..
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Hi marchingkitty. Do you think maybe you’re pushing yourself a little too hard when it comes to school? You clearly have mixed feelings about committing suicide, and I think you should take the steps to get whatever help you need before making a final decision. It is scary telling your parents that you’re depressed and suicidal. I faced the same fear this time last year. It actually went better than I thought it would. But afterwards I did feel guilty for making my mom cry and worry. But they were supportive and let me know they cared and loved me, etc. I never went to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Though I did get put on an anti-depressant by my regular doctor. I didn’t like how they made me feel. So now I’m finding my own ways of coping without drugs or doctors. That said, I’m feeling a lot better than I was. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that it is scary, but once you tell someone it can relieve you of the burden of carrying these feelings alone. You can find some support by telling someone. And you can try therapy or medication and see if it works for you. So, think of a way you can bring it up to your dad. Start by saying that you need to talk about something important. Tell him that you’ve been feeling depressed lately.. and go from there. Good luck.
I know how you feel, what the school expects of you and the others students….. It’s too much, but I met with my schools after I made a magazine cover that freaked out my teacher, she freaked me out and apparently I freaked her out because she referred me to a psychologist who just didn’t want to see me.
You should tell your Dad, he might understand or find someone to confide in, or if your really desperate email me at milat11677@hotmail.com if you like, I’m usually free to talk and I’m going through much the same things you are I think.
Are you trying to be a straight A student? Its school you gotta slow down Cs and Bs are nlt the end of the world