Dear Lemon,
I guess this is it. This is what looks like the end of our friendship. I wish you’d at least tell me straight – at least say something – but I guess, given what all of us are going through, and what you specifically are going through, that’s been too much to ask. I don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me feels guilty, but I guess neither of us handled this well.
I thought I’d be dead at this point. And yet… I’m not. I guess I’m in the place where it literally hurts more than I could ever imagine. I miss you more than I thought I could. I don’t love you. What I’ve done cannot be described as love – or even care. You don’t care about me too. And neither of us are to blame. Life just threw a shitty situation at the both of us.
I hope that you’re happy one day. And I’m sorry that I can’t be someone that makes you happy. I hope that I’m happy one day too.
In the meantime, I’ll fold a thousand paper cranes. I’ll fold each one whenever I’m sad or lonely, and inside, I’ll write something to you. And in another life you’ll do the same, and we’ll each know how the other feels.
I’m not out of the woods yet. Even though I’ve had 5 good years, these couple of months have been enough to show me that I have some deeper issues. Here are some of them:
- I might have mild aspergers
- I am extremely rejection sensitive
- I don’t have any social support
- I don’t know how to cope with anxiety
I’ll work on these things, so that when the next version of you comes around, I’ll be more ready. I’m sorry I don’t know how to love right now. But I want to love you. And with time, hopefully the love I have for you will go to someone who loves me too.
I promised you that I wouldn’t kill myself. Well, every day I keep living, I’m keeping that promise. It’s okay that you haven’t kept yours. I’ll still try to love you anyway.
1/2(C&C)
2 comments
Hello Thirteen…beautiful letter btw. Just wanted to let you know what I got from it. People come into our lives…for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It is our desperate attempts to not move on or let the other move on that causes us so much pain. Loss is unfortunately a constant in this reality…it is not personal. Only when we take it personally…can it hurt us.
I am dealing with some of the same issues as you…and I am an Aspie as well. I don’t know how old you are…but I am 51…and still learning and growing and finding my answers. If it turns out that you are a teen…I’m gonna be blown away. Heck…if you are in your 20’s…I am humbled…and if you are a relic like myself…glad you seem to be headed in the right direction.
This prayer was delivered by Mother Theresa when she addressed the United Nations in 1985:
Make us worthy Lord to serve our fellow men throughout the world,
who live and die in poverty and hunger.
Give them through our hands, this day, their daily bread
and by our understanding love give peace and joy.
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace.
That where there is hatred I may bring love,
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness,
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony,
That where there is error I may bring truth,
That where there is doubt I may bring faith,
That where there is despair I may bring hope,
That where there are shadows I may bring light,
That where there is sadness I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted,
To understand than to be understood,
To love than to be loved.
For it is by forgetting self that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven,
it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Peace
Amakua…and no I’m not a Xtian
“it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.”
this is not referring to “physical” death…but the death of the ego.
Amakua