I feel desolate. My mind has lost all of the positive light it had gained within the past 2 weeks. Well, I’m here again, at the same place I was a few years ago. I’m supposedly back on the right path, doing everything right or so they say. I’m constantly busy, tired, and thoroughly occupied each day. Between work, school, and training for my next racing season, you’d think there wouldn’t be any time for my depression to suffocate me, right? Wrong. I’ve been suffering so badly lately and I’m sure it’s only going to get worse as the holidays are circling around me. I stare at myself in the mirror and realize how much I’ve changed, once again, for everyone else, for everyone to accept me, for everyone to love me. I must always do something for others to care. I’m never simply enough. I said I was done trying. I said I wanted everything to end. Yet everyone has convinced me to try again, just give it one more shot, I can’t give up, and that would be a waste, a waste of what? I’m nothing. I’m still nothing. I’ve changed for the millionth time into a productive, smart, talented, and physically strong person and have I found what I’ve been looking for? Absolutely not, so I don’t think about my depression when I’m eating lunch or when I’m answering customer’s questions, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Do you know how hard it is to wake up and tell myself I just need to smile until I can lay down again?! It’s horrible, especially when I can feel the shards of pain tearing the insides of my lungs. I think about what I look forward to each day, sleep. That’s only if my pills make me drowsy enough to overcome my insomnia. I feel as if I’m simply waiting. I’m waiting to run away from all of my problems. I’m waiting while everyone continues to burn me. I wish I knew how to save myself. No matter how many times I try, I will never amount to anything. I will wait for the day for my battered mind to give up hope. My futile eyes are eager to seal permanently shut, may the light slip from my soul and drown those who wish to abandon me. After all I’ve abandoned myself so let me go…
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I agree with you that feeling good sometimes or just not feeling horrible other times doesn’t negate the fact that you are depressed. I am a bit of a yo-yo’er myself. I would say I am in better shape (as far as happiness), than most people who post here. I don’t have any answers for you. I found your post interesting. BTW: what type of racing do you do? I don’t race anything because that type of shiz scares me.
It feels weird to smile to people and know in the back of your mind you’d rather be dead. I just feel half the time my happiness I do find turns out to be false hope or an illusion. I feel like I’ve been down this road before, where the more I do with my life and attempt to distract myself, the worse I get. In the end I always feel empty. I’m not sure I will ever find an answer, which is why my depression likes to haunt me.
**I’m a cyclist, so I race road bikes. I’m heading into my 6th year of racing. I’ve been a state champion twice, ranked 19th in the nation last year. I recently suffered an injury so I’ve only been recently cleared to start training again. I think that may also play apart of my depression getting out of hand. I started cycling as a way to relieve my pain. I’ve found I tolerate pain a lot more than normal people. Honestly, the sport has saved my life numerous times. I have no idea if I’d even be alive without it today. It’s always been the one thing I’ve done for myself. I’ve never cared who criticized me for it. I’ve ridden for me and I will continue to do so as long as I can. I just wish depression didn’t affect me so bad. You know, antidepressants can get me in trouble for doping…I’d hate to stop taking them though. Hard decision :/
Yeah, it’s hard to let people know what you feel like shit. It seems like you put up a smile because you feel like it’s the best thing to do. I think it might be in most cases. I think talking about it is important. It is nice that you can post about this stuff. A journal might be a good idea. You can tell a journal anything.
Also that’s cool that you are good a cycling. I am not particularly good at anything like that. It would be pretty cool to look back on something like that and take some pride in it.
Yeah, I put on a smile for many reasons, 1.) it’s professional, I can’t exactly walk around a store at work and be depressing the customers or my coworkers, I’d get fired. 2.) I’ve told my family about my depression and every time I’ve told my mom how I’ve felt or my brother that I feel depressed, they either laugh, ignore me, or start a fight. So, I feel it’s better for me to hold it in when I’m at home. 3.) I don’t exactly have any close friends, I have teammates who again need to be professional in order to keep sponsors donating money to our team. I have friends at work/school who I don’t know well enough yet to just confess my life story. But I’m working on it I guess…
I do write, actually I usually post on here directly from my journal entries. I write almost every day, I love to write if it isn’t obvious. I do talk to a therapist, although I don’t exactly find it that helpful. Mostly because half of her advice is to keep myself busy, start making advancements with my life, which is what I’m doing/have done and my depression is getting/has gotten worse. So I’m not exactly sold on the talking out my problems. Writing does help though.
I certainly have a huge passion for cycling. It is a little disheartening though to sit and look at all of my medals/trophies on my dresser and realize they don’t mean anything. Not to anyone, not even to me. I look at all of my achievements and see how great I am at suffering, how lonely I am, how far I haven’t gotten, and how far I still have to go. It’s a reminder of how much time has gone by and just how messed up I still am…
I certainly don’t think talking it out is a silver bullet. Anyway, it sounds like you have that covered. You sound like you are really honest with yourself. That seems to be somewhat of a rarity in people that I meet or know in my day to day life. I also think it’s pretty shitty that your family wouldn’t want to help you with your depression. I think that a lot of people don’t understand it. The “just be happy” attitude is very ignorant and all too common.
Damn, I never considered your trophies would/could bring on depression. Someone today posted about looking through an old yearbook and feeling depressed. I know what’s that’s like. Maybe your trophies are akin to something like that. As you can see, I really don’t know.
Well, I hope things get better for you. I wish I knew why depression hits people so hard. I hope you just know that it’s not your fault and in many situations you can’t do anything about it. It just is. Cya around.
I definitely think talking it out works for some people, as I’m studying to be a psychologist I think it’s a very helpful outlet for those who need it. I’m just unsure if it’s really right for me personally. I find other ways of coping more suitable for me. I’m honest, because I’ve tried to lie to myself for the past 9 years. I see what that can do to anyone’s mind. It’s not healthy. Instead of ignoring and bottling my depression, I hide it, but I just try to heal on my own, in my own space. I think somehow maybe I’m just meant to be strong on my own. My family really doesn’t care, which is why I was so hesitant to even speak about my depression in the 1st place. But they are alike many people who simply don’t understand what it’s like. They don’t understand why I can’t just be happy, like depression is a light switch you can turn off or something. My mom makes comments all the time now when she’s upset with me, “whatever, go die and do us all a favor” Saying that to a depressed person is a huge trigger, there are times when I’ve thought yeah I should just end my misery.
Anyway, there is so much to my story with cycling that my trophies really only serve as painful memories in my eyes. I know I should be proud, realize I’m really talented in what I do, I’m just not in that state of mind where I logically see that way though. I see negative in everything. It’s what is killing my motivation to keep going now.
I do the same thing. I look at old pictures of when I was younger, I was so happy. I get this feeling I will never have a genuine smile like that again… It upsets me. I understand my situation sucks. I’m still hanging on, so no worries here. I know I’m strong, I just need to suffer a little longer. Maybe running away is what I am truly looking for. Thanks anyway for reading all of my venting. I’m glad you’re in a better place! Sometimes all it takes is some sense for others to see what is going on. Hopefully you’re life keeps heading in the right direction too! 🙂
I really don’t have much to add. I just wanted to let you know I read your last post.