The last four years, since turning 50, has been an ever ending series of bad decisions, failed marriage, financial ruin and more recently poor physical health. These events have taken its toll on my wellbeing and mental capacity to move forward, and notwithstanding the niggling doubt that I am about to embark on my final ‘bad decision’, I have come to the cold realization that it is time to depart this mortal sod.  I spent most of the last year isolating myself from friends and colleagues, not in an antisocial manner, but rather spinning a web of stories as a way detachment not to be included in various circles. I’ve done quite well masking a friendly, but distant front, while inwardly scheming of ways to end it all.
I stumbled here after reading about helium and bag system. It sounded like a perfect method compared to the horrid scenarios I had contemplated that included things like a fast car and a bridge pillar, or even holding a long sharp knife to my chest and roll down a hill….dear me. There was a short period not that long ago where I considered renting a fishing boat and hoist myself overboard strapped to a large, heavy sandbag….dear me. There are many other situations I envisioned, but even though I am not my biggest fan, taking my own life under these conditions would be far too gruesome, I mean, I wouldn’t do something like that to my worse enemy.
Anyway, I have no family, no kids, the ex wife has moved on with her new loved one, my business has deteriorated to nothing more than a liability and friends don’t call anymore. I could easily disappear for months before someone would raise the alarm bell.  I’ve just had a revelation…..There isn’t anyone or thing that I am not in love with. Oh, my gosh.  How pathetic is that?
I had intended to ask for your advise, but it seems rather mute now…. Oh, I remember, Helium.  My plan is to exit within the confines of my car parked in some quiet wooded area. I don’t want to do it at home due to unpleasant odors and the stigma of a deceased person in a rented house may affect future renting possibilities for the owner. They are nice people. So, what difficulties would I encounter setting up a helium and bag in my car? Other considerations?
Sorry for the long, drawn out dribble, but I do appreciate your comments.
12 comments
Hi Wally 8
I think I know how you feel. Most recently I have been spending time scouting for places to crash my car. I have a nice deep ravine picked out. I don’t know much about the helium situation though. What type of business do you have?
The car crash idea sounds just awful to me–too much pain, too much a chance of permanent paralysis and inability to kill oneself if one then wanted to…
But Wally, being about your age and having a series of life failures, I was struck the most by the one sentence about having no one at all to love. That is where i find myself as well. I have a four month old kitten. That’s it. And I’ve avoided bonding with him (he’s not even living with me currently) because I”m afraid if I love him I won’t do it and I really need to do it.
Hi Sneakcat – I just couldn’t bear the idea of surviving a car crash, and knowing my recent bout of luck (or the lack of it) I probably would.
I know what you mean, scouting for the right location…..There is a long stretch of road with an unprotected bridge column. I have driven that road many times with the intent of twitching the steering wheel, but I don’t have the stomach to be a crash test dummy.
Its Winter. There is a forest area that is rarely visited so I know I won’t be disturbed. I’ve got to get this one right and it seems the most painless and humane way to go is with a helium bag.
We care for our domestic animals in times of irreversible and dire need. I wish there was a similar consideration for us mere humans how and when we decide to go.
Totally agree, Catchthebus. I thought often about a car crash scenario and its just too awful.
During the last 12 months, I have deliberately avoided any meaningful relationship with anyone. The stories I told to avoid getting involved as well as preserving my general failure as a businessman, a community member, a financial specialist….geez, don’t listen to my advise. I deliberately removed myself from all contact that may lead up to some emotional discovery.
Its Christmas for goodness sake. As far as my friends, nieghbours and colleagues are aware, I’m going skiing, hiking, staying with out of town ‘friends’, visiting elderly relatives, but I might just stay at home, quiet. I’ve spun tons of stories about my whereabouts and as a result of that, no one calls, no emails. Sounds dreadful but this is exactly what I wanted.
I can honestly relate to you not getting emotionally attached with an animal. It is the same with material possessions. I have given away a lot of equipment, manly toys, things that once gave me great pleasure in the past. Now I just consider it all burdensome, a painful reminder of what used to be.
Yes, Wally8, I find that being around regular people and regular things just cuts like a knife because i am so far removed from regular life and the concerns of other people. I feel almost like a different species, looking out or in and trying to “pass,” mostly by being vague or lying. No one is partiuclarly concerned about where I”ll be for xmas, but the 2 people i asked readily accepted my implausible lies without question. They don’t want me with them, they just want their guilt or concern absolved. So yes, I find myself alone on the holidays–what i am in part responsible for creating, and now wondering how I’m going to get through it emotionally. Though prepared to die, the logistics won’t be ready by xmas and this emotional pain is really intense.
Sometimes I step back and ask, “How did i get here??!”
Wally8
Yes a car crash definitely could go wrong. I guess the main reason I was considering it was so that it would like an accident. I have a family and want to make it as “easy” as possible on them. Also it would be good for life insurance purposes although it should be ok either way because I have had the policy for over two years and the suicide exclusion is expired. So did u say u are a financial planner? So u probably know all about that kind of stuff?
I’ve been taking antidepressant medications but I don’t think they are going to save me from doing this. How bout u? Have u tried any medication?
I relive that moment every minute. My first thought waking up is how the hell did I end up like this? I’ve blamed bad business partners, of course, the exwife got her fair share of blame as well as those that I had trusted….but the stark reality is that I am responsible for this dreadful predicament. I’ve been in ‘sticky’ situations before but always managed to wrangle my way through. This last episode, an unforgiving series of events, has accumulated to the old adage ‘painted oneself into a corner’. There is no way out. Fortunately, no one else has suffered from my streak of bad luck. For that I am grateful.
Emotional pain is double edged. Last night I watched Love Actually, and wept like a baby throughout the 1 1/2 hour film. It seems this film is quite popular during the holidays. So, feeling miserable and self pity, I reveled in the love entanglements the film offers. And afterwards, surrounded snotty tissues, all cried out, I actually felt some relief and resolve to find peace within myself.
I’m not a hero. It going to take a huge set of balls to go through with it. But the need to find comfort is ever growing stronger.
Sneakcat,
I have thought about that a lot too. The notion of being labeled a suicide victim leaves a bitter after taste, and a fatal car crash would just be a statistic, but as I see it, when that moment comes, does it really matter? Death comes to us all eventually and our method of passage is going to be in some database for further analysis…along with all the other lost souls.
A smoker commits suicide at least 20 times a day. Why does a pack contain 20 cigarettes anyway? Who made up that number? There is a huge investment being made in studying the affects of heavy smoking, many insurance companies and large corporations frown on tobacco usage, yet we readily embrace the use of alcohol in almost every social convention including the catholic church!
I am at the stage where my passing will be a statistic regardless. I don’t have any benefactors so if all my possessions end up in the hands of the state, gosh, so be it.
My doctor prescribed sleeping pills to combat insomnia. I haven’t discussed depression and other symptoms with him. Medication isn’t going to resolve my condition.
Hello, wally8.
Just from reading your posts, I feel that you are a considerate and intelligent person.
You are so clever you have come up with less painful ways of “ending it all”…
If only you realised your potential of being wise as well as smart… if only you knew, instead of thinking how to end it, you could always think of how to continue it.
I do not mean to be rude but… I think that forfeiting your chance to live would be the ultimate thing that would automatically make your life unworthy of existence.
Conversely, by making use of your talent and wisdom to fight till the natural end, your life can become worthwhile and something to be proud of.
You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be. You can still make friends. You can still find job opportunities. You can get pets (if you like them). You can be independent and strong. You can be better than you probably think!
Hi propeace,
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the honesty and kindhearted spirit, but after so many years of setbacks, obstacles, emotional torment…years of ‘going through the motions’ without meaning or purpose. Its all too much. I’ve been beaten up, savaged by an unbelievable streak of never ending bad luck, poor decisions, loss of faith with fellowman, backstabbing, lying sob’s…. Compounding all of that, I am not religious minded, my faith relied on the love of the Golden Rule; do unto others, etc., and I followed that path, religiously, my entire life. But there are other out there who don’t conform and like vultures they prey on the vulnerable, the kindhearted. If I had any testicular fortitude at all, I would love to do a ‘Soprano’ style hit job, but that isn’t my way. I feel totally betrayed by members of our human race, and the only way out is a peaceful, unnatural passing.
Oh dear, I feel like I am rambling. Sorry for all that…makes for bad reading.
Hehe, wally8, don’t worry about ranting… you’re making sense and I feel for you!
A lot of the time I feel like most of the world is evil too… and I’ve been thinking that since I was 3…
I had it tough as a kid… for years I was abused by my aunt, hated by my Dad, bullied by my classmates and my sister and disliked by teachers. I thought I was alone and couldn’t be anything…
And now… everywhere I go I feel like most people around me are cold-blooded and selfish… but guess what? Good people, however rare, still exist and there are so many ways you can meet them, work with them, and just be with them… In charities, in the countryside, in nursing homes, etc. You name it!
The world needs good people and you’re one of them! Why give up on your life when you can still do more for the world and for yourself? You can still be happy if you know where to meet your good people, right? Why let evil triumph over you? ><
Hehe, wally8 don’t worry about ranting… you’re making sense and I feel for you!
A lot of the time I feel like most of the world is evil too… and I’ve been thinking that since I was 3…
I had it tough as a kid… for years I was abused by my aunt, hated by my Dad, bullied by my classmates and my sister and disliked by teachers. I thought I was alone and couldn’t be anything…
And now… everywhere I go I feel like most people around me are cold-blooded and selfish… but guess what? Good people, however rare, still exist and there are so many ways you can meet them, work with them, and just be with them… In charities, in the countryside, in nursing homes, etc. You name it!
The world needs good people and you’re one of them! Why give up on your life when you can still do more for the world and for yourself? You can still be happy if you know where to meet your good people, right? Why let evil triumph over you? ><